1. endowed with sensation; having perception through the senses.
2. readily or excessively affected by external agencies or influences.
3.having acute mental or emotional sensibility; aware of and responsive to the feelings of others.
4.easily pained, annoyed, etc.
5.pertaining to or connected with the senses or sensation.
6.Physiology. having a low threshold of sensation or feeling.
7.responding to stimuli, as leaves that move when touched.
Some of us are born naturally sensitive, some I think are made that way due to trauma in some way, shape, or form. I have often been caught saying that people can only make you feel what you allow. This is something I say to myself when I feel out of control with my emotions, instead of the dude making me angry, I am allowing myself to become angry. What do you do when the situation has blown up to a point that you are about to explode? Allowing the situation to continue is not healthy to me, probably to others as well since I know the sensitivity is going to turn ugly sooner rather than later. Walking away is easier said than done, How the hell do you even begin to walk away from your own damn family? How to “get over” that it is that family that supposedly loves me, only cares about my feelings, and would never do anything to hurt me… (excuse me while I get sick…). I have a very sensitive stomach when it comes to bullshit, frankly it leaves a very bad taste in my mouth.
Back story time… I am going to give the reader’s digest as much as possible, some of my garbage isn’t pleasant to rehash. If there really is someone out there that feels totally and completely confused, drop a line and I will clarify (although I am still perfectly happy believing no one is reading this crap, honestly).
For the most part, I grew up as a single child. Before my mom died, I did have an older sister whom I worshiped that I saw pretty regularly (our moms tried to keep us together, so I would go to church with her parents and her and visit whenever possible). After my mom died and I went to live with my father I didn’t see her so much. Our dad was a heavy drinker and that made him not very fun most of the time. Pretty often we would drive from San Jose to Sacramento on the weekends so he could get drunk with his friends and see his other daughter. During that time, my sister was pretty much this spoiled little jerk who didn’t like me all that much, was jealous because I “got to” (read: HAD TO) live with our dad, and treated me like a second class person (some of you guys have older siblings, right?). When we moved to Sacramento, we got to see her more but because our dad was still a heavy drinker and not fun, it wasn’t that often. Fast forward through adolescence and graduating H.S. (hers) and having kids, getting married, divorced, etc. we did okay as sisters. Really it wasn’t until I went though my divorce and everyone thought I was going to kill myself that her and I actually became best friends. During my hardest moments it was her that kept me alive, mostly by never leaving me alone, calling when she couldn’t have possibly known I needed to talk, and pretty much stalking me and forcing me to get through it. It was many years after that point that she decided it was time to look up our brother and sister. In as few words as possible, I will tell you that although we knew about them, it wasn’t because our dad felt like he wanted us to know them. The reality is he is a bigger POS than we really knew at the time. He walked away from his other 2 children long before he disowned my sister and I. My other sister and brother are really awesome people, and look like mirror images of us; it is really hard not to like them.
What I didn’t realize when my sister decided to find them, she would somehow forget about me. I didn’t realize that new siblings (when you are an adult) are kinda like new pets, you forget about the old dog when you are given a new puppy… Somehow, following the excitement of having a brother and a new sister (who came with daughters, a son, and a super cute baby grandson) I got left behind. To acknowledge that my sister finding these other siblings severed the best friend tie I had finally found with her is a really huge pill to swallow. Honestly, I keep trying to tell myself that it is all a mistake or misunderstanding on my part, maybe I am blowing things out of proportion. I have never felt so damn invisible in my whole fucking life. I finally had to hide my sister on my stupid facebook because I couldn’t stand the constant happy posts about her “awesome sister” or “awesome brother- out doing awesome things…” I wish I could say this shit just started after the big fight we had, but in all honestly the only one consistent with how they treat or acknowledge me is my brother, who has been quiet, busy, and slightly stand-offish. Both of my sisters are so busy being besties they don’t see me chasing after them like “WTF”?! And I have been conditioned to being a doormat most of my life, so of course I can’t just bust out and scream and cry at them, I sit and stew. I have become so angry and hurt that I don’t want to see them. My nephew is having a graduation party that I was invited to (how nice…) and all I can do it try to find a way not to go. I even thought I had a reason, but I got my dates wrong and used it too soon. I am so fed up with the way I feel and the idea of being in a room with them for any length of time does not feel appealing at all. It is sad and normal for me to want to run away, and honestly I really wonder how long it would take for them to notice me missing. Neither party has noticed I no longer post anything to them on FB, no one has acknowledged that I don’t text or call… Just feels like no one gives a shit. I really hate feeling this way about family. Give me anyone else in the entire world for me to hate and I can be right there if needed, but damn dude my fucking sister??? Not even the “new” sister, but the damn one I thought would ALWAYS have my back. It sucks to feel like it is all wrong.
So, that is my long sister story… This is the mess that is inside my heart and has been for awhile. I just can’t figure out how to break the cycle, or even if I want to break it. I don’t even know if I care anymore to be honest. I really just want to forget I have siblings, like our dad I might cry a little on a b-day or Christmas, but a HUGE part of me wants to just cut the ties and move on. I am tired of allowing them to make me feel small and insignificant. I am tired of crying and feeling like shit. Most of all, I am tired of the one person who used to proclaim that if anyone hurt me she would come after them being the one who is hurting me the most.
Thanks for reading ❤