In What World is This?

In what world is it okay to tell someone you are in a relationship with they are going to do something, strictly because you are telling them to do it? Seriously, in what world does it actually happen? He tells me that we will be having sex tonight and I guess he really thinks that I am going to go through with it. After 5 months there is nothing else he could think to say that might better his chances? Goddess help me, today promises to be fun…

Over the last almost 5 years the dude and I have gotten further and further away from each other. If I had to put miles on it I would say that he is on Pluto and I may be the Sun. Oh wait Pluto isn’t a planet anymore, whatever you get my drift. Back when I actually cared I would tell him what was missing and encourage him to tell me if I needed to improve upon anything. Like, if I can modify something that isn’t gelling I would have tried. Usually for about a week or even a month I could see the effort, he would call or text, he would stop saying really stupid and inappropriate things, whatever the issue was he would try to fix. For example, he had a really bad drinking problem when we first got together and after many years and many conversations about the problem he has stopped to a point where he rarely drinks and if he does he stays on top of himself to avoid being an ass.

Back around Thanksgiving I tried to end things with him, I didn’t have a job but I was planning on sleeping on my sister’s couch if I needed to. Same thing happened on Christmas eve, both of us this time said maybe it is time we stop doing this. It lasted about a day, by the next morning he was saying he changed his mind and would I please stay. This lack of intimacy has been a real issue through out our whole relationship, but at this point I think it may finally be the straw the breaks the camel.

I honestly cannot remember the last time that he and I had sex. He says 5 months, but I am not so sure. I have tried to get myself into the mood if for nothing other than to do something strictly for him, except his mouth always spoils it. I’m the kinda girl who’s biggest sex organ is her brain. I could probably lay there and imagine myself somewhere else, but damn I really don’t want to do that anymore. It’s just too damn depressing.

I am at this stage where as much as I am craving physical intimacy, I really don’t want him to touch me. The thought of his hands anywhere on me kind of grosses me out, I know I am a cold and heartless bitch. I can’t help it. Somewhere along the relationship with this man I lost whatever attraction I used to have for him. I can’t bring myself to fuck him just because he is nice to me or takes care of me, without that basic attraction I just can’t. The last time we tried I had a major panic attack that left me crying myself to sleep.

The whole situation between him and I just screams “Get Out Now”… I feel like I am a poster child for every brochure and pamphlet that tells you exactly how gay you might be. He thinks I don’t like sex, I actually tell him that my anti-depression pill kills my sex drive. For the most part that is true, but the reality is that if I wanted to do something there would be no way a stupid pill would hold me back. I just plain do not want to be physical with him. I don’t even let him kiss me. If he tries to touch me I physically remove his hand. If you could see through my laptop screen you would see my constant head shake. At the moment these words are jumping off the screen and slapping me in the face. I think I am way more gay than bi.

Honestly, I just don’t like labels. They just put me in a box where I end up being miserable, and hey look I am miserable… I can’t in all reality say that it is strictly a gay/straight thing. I think things in our relationship have changed me, not so much him. I don’t blame him, I’m not gonna tell Superman that dude made me gay again. I mean, really… He’s not a bad guy, he’s just not for me. I think it is just blindingly obvious that I am not the girl for him either, but neither of us want to be the first to admit there is something wrong. No one wants to be wrong, it’s just not fun.

After Christmas, he tried to tell me that even if we never have sex again he doesn’t want us to break up. At first, I was like ‘Wow’, that is just too much to even process. Then I thought ‘Ok’, if that is how you wanna play it, but now it just feels like a trap. More and more I am feeling like this whole thing is a trap. With me here, he really has it good, I mean even without the sex I am an amazing house wife. He hasn’t cooked, cleaned, walked the dogs or dealt with his own kids since we got together. I take care of Everything for him, my oldest sister says I practically wipe his ass and I would argue, but it is pretty much true. No wonder he would want to keep me even without sex- the ‘welcome’ is starting to show upon my mat that is my forehead.

Because I know I am a cold and evil bitch I will tell you that I have really been waiting a long ass time for him to make the final move. If he wants me to leave, I don’t know where I would go. I mean, of course I want to go to the bestie, but the reality is it takes money I don’t have to get to her. If she would have me, I could probably figure something out, but idk… I keep hoping that if he says it first I can negotiate a way out that helps us both, but that just sounds so selfish even to me.

At this point I really don’t know what I am going to do. There is a very real chance I will be sleeping on the couch tonight, and who knows after that. I am tired of repeating myself, I wish he would just stop asking me. You would think he knows the answer by now.

My Bestfriend

I have spent a few days in deep thought reading through some of my posts and I have come to the conclusion that I want to spend some time telling you about my best friend.

First off, listen to the above song. I know it’s old and all but it’s Queen and truly Freddy Mercury just rules no matter what year it is. Second, the lyrics of his song do a pretty darn good job explaining exactly how I feel about her.

I have known of my best friend since Jr. High, but unfortunately we didn’t really become friends until we were seniors in high school. I always had mad respect for her, she was a tough chick who didn’t take anyone’s shit. I watched her beat this dude’s ass one time in Jr. High and I just knew I wanted to be her friend, I know that sounds strange. Watching someone fight shouldn’t make them look friendly. But at the time I was just impressed with the bravado. I didn’t know her story or why she was so tough, I just thought she was cool.

In high school we still weren’t really friends. More like, we hung out in some of the same groups. You know, friends of friends type situations. Still though, I thought she was a cool chick and I always wanted to be her friend. I don’t remember a whole lot of details from my senior year of high school, my world at that time was not so pleasant. I spent a lot of time trying to figure out who I was and how to be true to what I felt, but you know h.s. is hard for everybody. It’s almost more of a rite of passage then a real learning experience, I mean I know I am not the only one who remembers more about the people than the actual subjects I was supposed to be learning.

So, fast forward to present time. Life happened and I lost touch with a lot of people, but thanks to technology and the rise of social media I was able to find many of them again. It took a long while to find her and then to get to the now present where we are as close as we are. I honestly can’t even remember how it happened, but somewhere between then and now she has grown into this amazing source of support that I am not sure I could live without.

I do remember going that I was going through some shit with the dude, it was early in our relationship. If I remember correctly it was also around the time that the ex-wife was knocking at my door. It was rough, at that point there was so much going on around me that it really felt like I wasn’t in control. I remember putting up a status update about needing a friend really bad and out of nowhere she sent me a message saying “I got you”. I know I was having some issues and I can’t for the life of me remember what she said, but from that moment our friendship grew immeasurably.

Dude and I have been together 5 years in December, so that means her and I have been friends for a little more than 4 years. There is nothing I can’t talk to her about, I am pretty sure I have told her stuff I have never shared with my sister. Through the last 2 years or so of me going to school she has been this amazing source of encouragement. When I finally graduated this May, her telling me she was proud gave me the bestest warm fuzzies I have ever experienced.

Somewhere along the friendship journey the lines have gotten blurred, this isn’t a bad thing in any way, shape, or form in fact, I think the only tiny little part about the blurry lines is there is too much distance between us. I love my best friend, maybe too much. Not the too much where people get nervous and think about restraining orders, but the shy and semi-silent kind, the kind where it could go either way between friend and other. I love that she is my best friend, and my favorite, and my Superman. I love that I can talk to her about anything and there is no judgement. As much as I want to leave the dude, she does not judge me for staying. I love that she is a great mom, is it weird that I think it’s really sexy? I love the way she talks about her son and daughter, I love that she is proud of them. I love that she is real, she isn’t perfect. Like most of us she has a past with all kinds of scars that I may not even know about. The truth is I am just barely learning who she is as an adult and yet I still think she’s a pretty cool chick.

I have visions in my head about seeing her live and in person, in reality I think about it often. What would it be like? Neither of us has laid eyes on the other since we were 18 years old, and besides looks we have changed so much since then. Typing it right now makes me feel nervous lol, not the fear nerves but more like anticipation nerves. I know the day will come, this is just an exercise in patience.

Lately I have found myself thinking about her and trying to articulate exactly what I feel for her. Sometimes the way I think is rooted more in pictures and sound than actual words, so trying to force myself to say it right was a bit of a challenge. I really love her in so many ways. I am super happy that she is my friend and I appreciate that we can talk serious or silly, we can talk about our kids, our friends, hobbies, work, school, blah blah blah… We can talk about anything and everything. On the other hand, I have mad feelings for her. Not mad like angry, but like Big feelings. Like hard to define feelings.

The thing about feelings…

I know that once I get out of “dudeville” I will need some time to be single, I’m not looking to jump like a flea anymore. Honestly, I don’t think what I want comes with a title. I think that is why it is so hard to say exactly how I feel, because there isn’t too much about the relationship that we have right now that I would want to change. Okay, yes I definitely want to add one really big important amazingly good thing, and subtract a few things, but the friendship and companionship that we already have I cherish so very much. I don’t feel the need to call her anything other than my favorite.

It has really been a long time since I have wanted to trust a female and I really want to trust her. I mean, I already trust her, but it’s meant in a different way. I have spent so much of my time being hurt by women, but I am not scared of her, idk maybe I should be scared. I doubt she knows this, but she has more power to hurt me than any other person has ever been given. If I lost her, it would be really really bad, not only would I lose whatever this extra chemistry is, but the bestie would be gone too. I told her that no matter what happens between us, she isn’t allowed to not be my friend, I refuse to let her go. I know I couldn’t keep her if she didn’t want me, but I know that I would fight with whatever I could to make her want to stay.

I thought about other friends I have had blurred lines with. I know most people keep their friends and lovers totally and completely separate, but to me the best relationships have an aspect of friendship involved. I don’t want to separate friend from lover, I want the balance of both. I have always felt this way, I think that in order to have open communication and trust your partner should be your friend. I haven’t “been with” that many people, but I do have friends that have come back from “relationship territory”. Some, I wanted to be with and the feeling wasn’t mutual and some the other way around. I have a couple that I actually dated, and some I tried to have real relationships with and it just didn’t work out. I am one of those people that thinks depending on the relationships start and end, two people can break up and still remain friends. I think a mutual break up is a good example of a time where the decision had to be made that we make better friends than anything else. No biggie, there was a period of mourning and pouting, but once that was over we could be friends again.

Could that be the case with my favorite? Could our friendship survive if the “something else” didn’t pan out the way we had hoped? Would it be crazy to even try? I mean, would we be better off if we never ventured beyond those blurry lines? I don’t know… I think about it though.

Recently she has been dropping mad, not so subtle hints that I need to come to her. Saying that I need to be there, either to visit or to stay. Even going so far as to say she has room for me. I could probably go through my phone and give an actual date to say this is how long ago this was said, but it doesn’t matter. It is enough to say it was recent. I don’t think a day has gone by since the idea was planted where I have been able to think about much else. I wonder what it would be like, what I would even want it to be like. Then I wonder if she is teasing me, or like maybe she doesn’t really know what she is saying. Like maybe it is a much bigger deal to me than it would be to her, I have no idea and trying to be still and let her explain is too much for me right now. I know that I really want to go. I would LOVE to see her, no matter how long or in what aspect. I feel like no matter this chemistry that we have right now, face to face will be so much different. If I really want her to know how I feel and I really want to know how she feels, face to face will be the way. I think so many questions can be answered by that first look, to say nothing of the first time we touch; that first hug is going to be electric.

At this point, I think I have explained the majority of my feelings. I know that no matter what, I want her to always be my friend. I know that I want her to be happy even if it’s not with me, even if our relationship never changes, I still want to be the person she calls when she has a good or a bad day, shit I want to be the person she calls if falls in love. I’m not gonna lie, at this point it would hurt, but I feel like I care enough about her as a person that I could still love her and be happy for her. I would know at that point that it’s time for me to move on, and maybe I could find it easier to let go if I knew that she’s happy with someone else. At this point, when I say I want to be with her or I want her, it is about so much more than purely physical. It’s that emotional connection that I would trade anything to experience in person right now. That is what I want from her most of all right now, I want that real connection. Right now I just want to sit next to her, smoke, drink a few beers and talk, listen to music, get to know each other. Add in a healthy dose of flirtation and it could be a memorable evening for us lol.

This is a really long post, so if anyone is still reading you deserve a cookie. ❤

Touch

touch

verb (used without object)

1. to place the hand, finger, etc., on or in contact with something.
2. to come into or be in contact.
noun
1. the act or state of touching; state or fact of being touched.
that sense by which anything material is perceived by means of physical contact.
2. the quality of something touched that imparts a sensation:

an object with a slimy touch.
3. a coming into or being in contact.
4. mental or moral perception, sensitivity, or understanding:

He has a marvelous touch in dealing with people.
5. ability, skill, or dexterity; knack:

to lose one’s touch.
     Normally I am drawn to skin to skin contact. When I was trying to be a massage therapist I learned so much about this simple act. How important touch is in so many different ways. Did you know if baby’s are deprived of touch they can become weak and even fail to thrive?
     It is so easy to forget that touch is about more than a physical act. Touch implies intimacy, one is allowing another into their personal space. Some ways could be mental while others are physical.
     I miss physical intimacy, allowing another into my personal space, allowing them to touch me. Touch also implies trust. I miss being able to touch. I miss the intimacy of sharing honesty with another human being. Opening myself and knowing I am safe. 
Once upon a time I remember not being scared, I remember going with how I felt and leaving my brain to rest. I wish I could remember what happened to take that away so I could work to bring it back. 
     Between you and me, I wasn’t always such a prude. Don’t get me wrong, I am a lady not a slut. I was married for almost 10 years and I never cheated on her, not that I didn’t have offers either. I just felt most comfortable with her. I was so young when we got together, I knew nothing other than books and movies. I have always been a nerd, I read a lot. I studied and researched, asked questions… By the time it actually happened, I was good lol. Somewhere after her I lost my confidence and with that lost confidence many mistakes were made… 
     It was so easy to shut down for two years, I would have cut my heart out if I could. Instead I just covered myself in ice. I didn’t allow myself to feel happy or sad, I blanketed everything with weed and alcohol in hopes that I could just forget how to feel entirely. Although I tell myself and everyone around me I came though that and have moved on, I find myself wondering if this is really true. I have never allowed anyone to touch me the way I let her. I have never allowed anyone to get as close, I have never been as open either. Maybe instead of coming out of physical and romantic celibacy, I entered into some purgatory type middle land. If I had been honest with myself at the time, and stayed out of the damn closet who knows where I could be now. I was too scared the next one would actually kill me to even try anymore. 
     Me and mine have been doing this same shit for so long it’s become a broken record. I can’t remember the last time I allowed him to touch me without pushing him away, nor can I remember the last time I just grabbed his hand while we were walking. When I was with that ex-wife I couldn’t keep my hands off her, my muse is in my thoughts almost constantly and we aren’t just sitting around playing cards in my dreams.
     I miss being touched, not just that sexual, physical chemistry (although I will come back to that), it’s that mental and emotional touch. That touch that you feel throughout your whole entire being. It’s been so long since I have felt that, I’m not sure I would recognize it if I had it in front of me. 
     I miss sex, I miss flirting with someone I know I am going to bed with later. I used to take a girl to play pool and the game going on between us was more exciting than the pool game. I can’t lie I actually really like to tease. The anticipation makes for more than blue balls, it makes it that much better, the flirt, the chase. It is all just a game, probably why my perfect match needs to also be my best friend. I want to play with that person, sex should be fun, right? I mean, yea you can have the serious shit too, but what about tickling and giggling and making breakfast in my wonder woman unders? I want to be silly, I feel like I have been serious for too damn long. I want to laugh my damn ass off for awhile. Maybe instead of cards we could play naked twister? 
     I don’t know what happens next, he keeps asking and I keep saying no. I am so tired of saying no, not to the point that I want to give in to him more like I want him to stop asking. I know big decisions are coming, I’m not sure how much longer he will accept me saying no. I have been saying for too long that I wish he would just let me go. 

Needs, advice, wishes and rants

The things that I need do not come attached with big price tags. In reality I am the type of girl that likes the things that can not be bought. I like flowers picked from a bush, shells that are picked up from an ocean’s shore, feathers and rocks found on the ground, and hand written words from the heart can often mean more than pricey novels written by my favorite authors. If someone is seriously trying to keep me, it cannot be done by waving money at me; I am just not impressed. So what you have money? Are you a good and kind person? Who are you without that fancy leather wallet in your pocket? Are you chasing the paper or is the paper chasing you?

He keeps telling me about all the things he wants when we have the money. What about the things we need right now while we don’t have the money? If I am such a disappointing loser who doesn’t give you what you want, then why the hell do you want to keep throwing money at me? Do you really think it is going to make a difference in how I am acting? If I accept your money is that going to make a difference in how you act?

I am so torn by this man, this relationship. Before I met him, I was single for a long minute. I may have been more than a little lonely, but as I said before I was not looking for him or anybody. I knew that I had made some mistakes and I did not want to repeat them again and again. Clearly, I did not listen to the good old intuition when it screamed at me, because same fucking mistake. I put out there what I want, but I guess I wasn’t specific enough, because here I am stuck in another damn cage. The sad part is that I honestly can not blame him. I may be in a cage, but it is not locked. I can sit here all day long and look out the open door and still never walk out. He told me not too long ago that he is not the one keeping me here, if I wanted to go he would make it as easy for me as he could. Why the fuck am I so damn scared to leave??

I have always believed that the people who ask for advice already know the answer, they are just looking for confirmation. I do know the answer, I just have to make the hard decision. I don’t want to keep accepting his money, I don’t want to keep leading him on. I want to tell him sorry, but not sorry.

This post is really random. My feelings are all over the place this morning. I am so tired of fighting, I am tired of the silent fights, which to me are way worse than screaming matches. The silent fight has been going on for years. Both of us blame each other for what the last ones did, both of us have our hang ups, both of us have our walls built. I honestly believed he would be the one to knock mine down. The longer that I am here the more clearly I can see that the only wall he is interested in is his. His agenda is the one that matters more than anyone else’s, it’s his happiness that is supposed to come first. What about mine? I guess as a woman I am supposed to keep my mouth closed unless there is something in it… I keep telling him he is with the wrong girl.

She hit it right on the dot. I DO need to be single. I told her a while ago that in my dream I could just have a no label type situation, friend with benefits or something. I don’t want to be held down and told what to do and when. I want to be free. Doesn’t mean I want to be alone, I just want to do things my own way. I don’t want to be someone’s girlfriend, fiancee or wife. I want to be someone’s favorite, someone’s friend, I just want to be someone who matters, someone important. I don’t have a need or want for the label anymore. I just want to be happy. I wish he could see that I am not happy as easily as she can. I wish he could see that I need to get the fuck out as easily as she can. Shit he lives with me, that alone should make it easier for him to notice these things. To me it is like a neon sign above my head: “I am MISERABLE”… I think it flashes in bright pink neon. Why the fuck can’t he see it???

I don’t need to ask for advice. I know what I need to do. It’s the how that I am stuck on. I know I shouldn’t be here, THAT is a neon sign above the front door. “Get out NOW”. I see it as clear as day. That is the mistake I keep making. I see someone who needs help and I want to help them, and I think that by being their “other” I can make it all better. I used to like the damaged and broken, they needed me. I really don’t want to be that person anymore. Before I got with him, he lead me to believe he wasn’t as damaged as I have now learned he is. I feel like I was duped, about 50% of the things he told me turned out to be “white lies” that were brought to light through the first year or so.

What would you do? How the fuck would you escape? I have asked 2 people what I should do, and they both say run like the devil’s chasing after me. Every day is like groundhog’s day, the same as the day before. It never really changes. He and I have both invested so much into making this work, and I feel like it is crumbling around us. Like, we both just standing in the center watching it all come down.

Guilt is the main thing that keeps me tied here better than any rope ever could. His ex left him without notice. they had been unhappy for longer than him and I, and one day she cleaned out his bank accounts, stole the kids and ran. Unfortunately, her dumb butt tried to come back when her “plan B” didn’t pan out, but that isn’t my story to tell. The guilt is in leaving the same way she did. The guilt is in wanting to tell him I want to go. More guilt piled on because I love his son, but he was left too. His mom dumped him and took his little sister, he hasn’t forgiven her yet. I promised I would never do that to him, What the Fuck am I supposed to say to him??? That is the source of my guilt, my step-son. I love him, and I don’t want to hurt him more than he has been hurt already.

She’s right, I do have a big decision to make. I just don’t want to make it on my own. I want to know that when I stumble (because I am human and clumsy, I know that I will trip) she will be there. If I am going to take this big leap, I need to know that my Superman has my back. No matter what else is going on between us, how many dollar bets and card games we think about, and how often we think about them. I can’t do this on my own, I need her help. She gives me plenty of motivation, that part is what keeps the idea in my head. It’s like I am a fish and she has the line out tempting me to just grab it while she pulls me in. But, underneath all my Wonder Woman talk I am a chicken shit. It’s not that I want or need her or anyone to do the heavy lifting, I just want someone to grab the other side and help me lift it.

I think the first step for me at this point, is to grow some fucking balls. The not knowing what could and would happen if I made that step is what keeps me from lifting my foot. I need to trust in the things and people I know won’t let me down. I have some ideas, it is going to take time. As much as I want to leave today, I need time. I need to plan and figure out what I can do to make this happen. It is one thing to have an idea, and a whole different thing to have a plan. I feel like the road ahead is long, but I am at a point where I can see what is just beyond. I can see who is at the end of This particular path and no matter what happens for us in the future, I know that I want her.

What to Write?

Ever just have this nagging sense that not only do you “have” to do something, but you kinda, sorta, really Want to do to as well? That is how I feel about this blog today. The last few days I feel like I have had ideas coming out my ears, but then I sit here ready to let them pour out and they stay in my head, unwilling to move.

I started this blog as a way to express the thoughts and feeling that I cannot fully get out in my “real” world. I treat it like a virtual diary, I write expecting that no one is reading my words. I think it is that thought that helps me to write about people and things I would never allow myself to normally. It is with this thought in mind that I can allow myself to be as honest as possible without fearing vulnerability. I keep saying that I don’t want to only write when I am feeling depressed, I want to write when I am happy, or even sick. I want to feel this desire to hear my keys tapping when I don’t want to speak. I used to write poetry, but I have been blocked so long I’m not sure the gift will ever come back. Hmmm… Maybe I just need to visit my muse live and in person?

I have been given much food for thought lately, my brain seems to never shut off. This is not a bad thing… Remember how I said I wanted a sign? Something to point out this spot on my map and say “Here!” I’m not sure I need that so much anymore. I mean, I do have some plans and ideas, but maybe a sense of openness with where exactly I am headed isn’t such a bad thing? Maybe the prize is in the discovery? I am thinking this journey might be as interesting as the end point…