I have been thinking…

Lately my mind has felt like a road that I am traveling. There are moments of great clarity and light and their are moments of darkness. I keep saying there is a decision right there within my reach just waiting for me to say out loud. Like a breath I am holding, there will come a moment where I can no longer hide, where I have to let it out and say the words that I have been hanging on to.

I can see both sides of the coin, I have both good and bad where I am right now. I can see both good and bad between us, whether I stay or go. I can’t stop thinking about what she said, what if I would be doing him a favor? From where I stand I can see what this is doing to him. If I completely stand on the outside and look in, I can see it as plain as the nose on my face. I can see he is crying on the inside. I am not this person who does this to people, shit I am a good witch, I bring love and light and to him all I am bringing is darkness and despair.

I want to do the right thing by him. I want to tell him the truth. I just don’t want to be responsible for breaking his heart. And I know that is what I will be doing, when I tell him this secret I am pretty sure I will see the light go out. I am the talker of the relationship, I want to talk about it and he doesn’t. If I bring up something I need to get off my chest, he shuts down. Shit, I can’t even talk to him about my day, a problem I have with the kids, the dogs, maybe the cats. Can’t talk to him about the landlords or the drama they cause, the messy house, His mess… the list goes on and on…

I keep saying that I don’t know what to do and I want someone to tell me. When I grow up (ha ha ha), I am going to be a therapist. The one thing you can’t do as a therapist is tell your client what to do, you have to let them come up with the answers on their own. In other words, I need to come up with the answers. I think in all honesty I already have the answers, the type of person I am makes it really hard to hurt him on purpose. I have caught myself opening my mouth, I have sat next to him on the couch and laid next to him in bed willing myself to just tell him, just talk to him, just push the fucking words out and damn the consequences. *sigh*

The consequences… I feel like I should spend time thinking about them. He would tell me that I would be walking away from the best thing I will ever have. He has actually said that to me before. I can’t lie, he is not correct. As much as I want her, the best thing (for now anyway) is to be alone. I really need to think about who I am and who I want to be, who I am trying to be, who my heart is telling me to be. The fact that I want her just screams that I need to be honest to him, I owe him that much. He says I am his best friend, would I want her to make me feel the way I make him feel? Fuck no.

I feel like I have been here before, different people and different circumstances. I am not very good at breaking up with people. I have to push and push them away until they hate me and break up with me. I have been pushing him for so long I can’t believe he is still here, I can’t believe. Part of me resents him for keeping me here, for not making it easy, for not breaking up with me himself, like I resent him because he is making me be the bad guy. It’s not his fault, none of this is his fault.

I keep thinking about the causes of this fail. Is there a cause? There is so much he has done for me. When we first got together he had a major drinking problem and it almost tore us apart. I never gave him the ultimatum, I actually tried really hard to work with him and support him. It wasn’t until his mom passed that he was finally done with the drinking. He says that I saved his life, but I think she did. I think he needed to see first hand the consequences of what she was doing to her body. For him to lay that on me makes me scared that if I leave he will start drinking like that again. When times were like that it was easy to say why I was unhappy and why I wanted to leave. In the last 2 years that problem has disappeared.

There are things about him that I just can not stand. He can be so demeaning to me, his “jokes” (which as so not funny to anyone but him) always seem to point out what a loser someone else is. He thinks it’s cool to talk about our sex life with his son, he thinks its cool to talk about my body to his son (while I am in the damn room, no less), he is such a fucking pig. Dirty clothes just thrown every, dishes left where ever he has last been eating or drinking. Can’t take a dog out, cant unload a dishwasher or put his plate or cup into it, can’t do laundry or fold laundry or fucking any damn thing to make my life easier. It’s all my fucking job. I hate the way he talks sometimes, the shit he says about minorities is the same shit my dad used to say. He makes offensive jokes, I feel like I could never introduce him to my friends (good thing I don’t really have any) or have him around my family. Oh, yea my family hates him. They see through the bullshit that I can’t. I am a maid, nurse, babysitter, cook, and whatever else he doesn’t want to do. Oh yea, his son’s school stuff is my job too (once he actually tried to get me to be the go between among him and the baby momma, I told him Hell no and he was offended). He thinks because he works beyond a 9-5 that exempts him from any other duties, unless they are ones he actually wants to do. If I need help with something, or if I want to talk he actually tells me to have his son do it. And then after doing nothing but work he wants to ask if we can “make love”. I get so fucking pissed, how the fuck do you think I want to “reward” you with sex when I have been the one breaking my back all damn day. I mean, shit! Thank you for working and paying the bills, but are you fucking serious right now? Every fucking night, doesn’t matter if he has said 2 words or less to me all damn day, he still thinks that asking for sex is perfectly acceptable. All while his nasty ass is laying in bed farting and scratching his ass. Somewhere along the way he got really fucking gross to me, somewhere he stopped trying and stopped caring.

I don’t know, I keep saying I hope someone could hit me over the head and tell me to do the right thing. What the fuck is the right thing? I haven’t had to work in 3 years (other than a short job as a cashier around December to like maybe March), he encouraged me to go to school, he supports me in everything I want to do all while driving me nuts with the only damn thing that means anything to him. He thinks all that support means I should be over joyed to fuck him whenever he asks. He doesn’t even do anything to make me attracted to him anymore, she gets me turned on just through FB (to say nothing of when she calls me). It isn’t a comparison, it’s just something for me to think about.

All of this is stuff for me to think about, thanks for letting me rant.

Addicted

I’m so addicted to you.

Man, I got it bad… I think about you too much *is there such a thing as too much?* I have so many questions, if I had half the balls I pretend I do… I don’t drink, but I think about getting shitty drunk just so I could figure you out like I really want. No, what I really want, more than anything is to be near you. I want to look into your eyes and talk to you. I want to hold and kiss your hands, I want to touch your  arm or knee. I want that so much and think about it so much.

I wonder about this connection, I wonder if you feel it. Goddess, please tell me I’m not such a loser that I can’t tell. I wonder if you even know how I feel, it seems like the secret thing we dance around. These flirty little words that we pretend the other didnt hear but know damn well she did. God, this doesn’t feel one sided… I would feel like such a moron.

I am so addicted to these afternoon car rides and long talks about everything and nothing. I love the texts about the same sweet nothings in the evenings.

So fucking addicted to you.

Dear Mom 2

Hi mom, sitting down to write to you when I wish so much more to be able to call. I am missing you like crazy lately, I just wanna pick up the phone so badly. I have been in deep thought lately. I wonder what you would do in my shoes, what decision would you make? Could you help me be honest? Could you take control of my tongue and maybe say the words for me? She tells me that maybe I would be doing him a favor, what do you think about that? I got this really nice herb, I wish you could sit and smoke and talk with me. I changed my hair, do you like it? I think I like it but honestly I really miss my long pretty hippie hair, I miss braids. Sometimes I even miss my blonde hair too lol. I miss you the most, mom. I will write again, for now I lose the words. I just need you now more than ever. I honestly have no one. Well, no one i want. I have no family, blood. Its so silent here on guilt and punishment island where I have been banished. I miss my sisters, I wish she would call me. I feel so lonely most of the time. I wish you were here.
Love

Wasted emotion

I am so tired of these wasted emotions. They build up and turn into very thick walls, nothing I can do will bring them down. They allow me to hide behind the pain and not deal with the reason I get the stupid emotion in the first place.

Guilt

Guilt doesn’t serve much of a purpose in my opinion. Guilt makes you stay when you want to go; guilt says yes instead of no; guilt makes you sorry when you are not. I have yet to experience in my life a moment where the guilt I felt had meaning or purpose.

Fear

We have had this “talk” before… What purpose does fear serve? Does it keep you from falling off that cliff or just keep you from the joy and beauty involved in climbing the mountain in the first place? Does it force you to be mindful of what you put into your body, mind, spirit or does it keep you from allowing the good inside?

Jealousy

Where is the purpose in being jealous? There has to be a reason that envy is considered one of the 7 deadly sins. I think envy can keep you from appreciating what you have, but is is “bad” to envy another? I guess I can’t answer that. My version of envy doesn’t involve someone not having, it is more wishing I had some too, but what does that wish do to me in the long run? I appreciate every single ounce of “something” I have be it material or immaterial, I am beyond grateful. It’s not enough, I know…

These wasted emotions plague me every single damn day and I am so damn tired of fighting them, I am so damn tired of feeling them. There is a big part that just wants to throw in the towel. Part of me thinks this is the reason I want to be alone; this ‘Oh, I can just let go…’ It is not the answer. I wish life was simple and major decisions didn’t have to affect people in such negative ways, I wish I could make a promise to someone and actually stick to it. Every time I say “Don’t worry, I’m not gonna go…” I feel so tied to these emotions, these promises that were driven by the promises. I feel like no matter what I do I am doing the wrong thing, my action and words are going to hurt every one involved. How do I choose who gets hurt the most?

I have such a desire to do the right thing, I want so much to be honest, I want so much to stop hurting him, I hate how much I am hurting him. sadly, I see no end in sight. I feel like we want different things. I feel like I so very badly need space and a brake and time to be myself. I feel like I have spent so long being someone else that I don’t recognize myself in the mirror and haven’t for about 2 years. I have pretty much erased or altered the things that I loved about me in such a way that he would like me, it’s nothing he asked me to do it is just something I have realized I allowed to happen. Someone said they recognized codependent tendencies and I could not disagree. I would rather stay miserable while someone else is allowed to be happy. However, this is not working out so well for me anymore. There is a cycle that I seriously have to stop, it can not continue any longer.

I know the first step here is admitting there is a problem that I need help fixing. As much as I want to counsel and help others, I can not help myself and that is okay. Things will not work themselves out; they will either get better or worse, or stay exactly the same-which is not a prize path either. I have admitted there are problems to everyone but him. I think I am too afraid that he will ask me to stay, too afraid that he will ask me to keep trying, too afraid to be put on the spot and forced to be honest with him and myself.  There is no where left to go from this point except forward. Going back and hiding is no longer an available option.

This Road…

I think I am at a crossroads. When I close my eyes I am standing on a very empty street and there is nobody around, no cars, humans, animals, nothing. I can continue on the path that I am currently on, it isn’t such a bad street in reality since there is some personal growth even if it is only educationally. I can look left and there is change on the horizon, I can look right and there is also change in that direction. I wish I could say that I am standing in that center lane continuing my walk, but at some point I sat my unhappy ass down in the middle of the road and have refused to budge.

I can honestly say I am at the point where I know I need help, I know that I cannot continue on this road, I know that it is time I make that turn. If I could admit that you would think I could be the one to reach out and ask, it should be so fucking easy. I’m sitting here in the middle of the road screaming in my head that I need my sissy. I have no idea what the fuck I am supposed to be doing anymore, I just know this is not it. I know there is more to life than what is going on in this relationship.

When I decided to put my problems out here for others to see it was to challenge myself, to force myself to be honest with exactly who I am and maybe come to terms with who I am supposed to become. I know this is the middle of my journey, I know I am not at the end. I feel pretty confident that there will be many other choices about when and how to change and I am so excited for the rest of my life, I am excited and looking forward to the learning and those challenges. I feel like my life with Him has become so stagnant, there is no growth with us.

I feel like such a loser, I feel there is so much that I am lacking, so much that I don’t have. It makes me feel even worse to admit that I need help to a point that I don’t want to ask.  These are the thoughts that make me feel so stuck. I need help, but I am so scared to ask, I am so scared of rejection, I am so scared of failing. I feel so selfish, needing all this help when the person I want help has problems of her own, shit every one has their own shit to deal with. I feel like my little problems are so insignificant, like it is just not fair for me to keep asking for help. I feel like I don’t deserve it.

This is me being honest. I have no map, my GPS isn’t working, this fucking road is like a damn dead zone. I am pretty sure that I need to stand up and get walking at some point, I know I have to make a decision. Superman tells me to do what is right for me, if no one else I know she has my back. I just have all this fucking guilt. I feel so guilty for failing him. Guilt is stronger than any set of handcuffs ever designed when it comes to leaving a bad relationship.

This is me admitting that I need help, this is me admitting it is time to pick up and start walking again. I am putting this shit out there and hoping the universe will hear me.

As always, thanks for reading ❤

Cheater

We were having this conversation maybe a week or so ago, I don’t really remember what it was about or even what started. I remember telling him “Well at least I am not a cheater…” Like this was something I could be proud of in our mess of a relationship. He answered “Maybe not physically…”

I wanted to tell him how full of shit he is and laugh in his face, I think I may have pulled a mildly believable chuckle out of my ass. It may have taken a few days to hit me, but damn I feel like if I go look in the mirror I will see an imprint of a hand on the side of my face. Acknowledging it doesn’t seem to take the power away from the truth. It is a very heavy pill to swallow.

I used to think the physical was very separate from emotional or mental and as long as physical was still intact everything was just fine, well shit I think I am very wrong indeed. Knowing I am wrong sure as hell doesn’t make me feel any better either. Knowing I am wrong does not all of the sudden pull back the curtains in such a way I can see the right way. Knowing I am wrong is making me feel like the biggest, steamiest, smelliest pile of shit I have ever encountered. I am not saying that for sympathy, this is more of a realization.

The ex was always cut and dry with her cheating, the moment she stopped telling me she loved me too I knew there was some one else. It would usually take a few days for one of us to talk to the other, usually I had to verbally beat the truth out of her. I can’t say I was ever privy to any emotional cheating, the physical was shoved in my face too blatantly to see much else. If the circumstances were different would I be a physical cheater or would it have been easier to leave a long time ago?

I have always prided myself on my honesty with people, I have always been that one person you could come to if you needed a reality check. I hate lying in all way shapes and forms, this is just not who I am. Knowing he feels like he is being cheated on… Man, I feel like I have been kicked in the stomach.

What do I do? How the hell do I stop something that I really don’t have control of? Something that even if I did have the control I probably would not stop? I know the answer, it stars at me from this computer screen, she stares at me behind my eyelids every time I close my eyes. If I thought about him even half the amount of time… well, you get the idea.

I keep making the joke that I need to come out of the closet again. I really don’t want to be one of those women who wait until they are 40 or 50 to finally give in to that one damn thing they never allowed themselves to do. I know I can do this, the trouble is there is so damn much to lose here. It’s not just leaving like its no big thing, there is a lot to walk away from.

I have so many questions and no one to ask. Well, that is only like maybe 25% true. I do have people, but damn it’s hard to reach out. In my perfect world I wouldn’t have to ask, in my perfect world the person I want to help would know I need them and come to my aide. PS “Perfect World” = Dream World ❤

Just This Once

For Just this Once I wish I could shed the fear and say everything I feel in my heart. I keep so much inside just waiting for the right moments. Unfortunately, those moments never come. There is so much I hide from people, I just wish so much that I could be myself.

For just this once I wish that I could open my mouth and everything that is blocked could crumble like bricks from a wall. I need a bulldozer, something to break down the wall that keeps everything hidden. I don’t want to hide anymore, this mask has become heavy and itchy. My real face longs to shine, my real words beg to be released.

I have always been the one to stay back in the shadows, with my eyes wide open so I can see all the bullshit I am surrounded by.

I don’t want to be in the shadows anymore, I want to dance in the sunlight even if I don’t have rhythm. I want to embrace the rain, the wind, I want to stomp my feet in the puddles. I just want to be free to express myself.

Life is full of things I would love to comment on, there is so much I would love to show about myself that I just do not show anybody.

I keep thinking about things I want to try, I have so many ideas that really turn me on and the only person I trust lives too damn far. I want to focus on the positive and for the most part I do, but there is a side to me that only exisits in my dreams. I want to get to know that person, I want to share that side. I feel like it has been too damn long, maybe I have lost my touch and I just really want to find it.

At this point it is anticipation. I cross my fingers and stay patient, telling myself that good things come to good little girls who wait.