I have been thinking…
Lately my mind has felt like a road that I am traveling. There are moments of great clarity and light and their are moments of darkness. I keep saying there is a decision right there within my reach just waiting for me to say out loud. Like a breath I am holding, there will come a moment where I can no longer hide, where I have to let it out and say the words that I have been hanging on to.
I can see both sides of the coin, I have both good and bad where I am right now. I can see both good and bad between us, whether I stay or go. I can’t stop thinking about what she said, what if I would be doing him a favor? From where I stand I can see what this is doing to him. If I completely stand on the outside and look in, I can see it as plain as the nose on my face. I can see he is crying on the inside. I am not this person who does this to people, shit I am a good witch, I bring love and light and to him all I am bringing is darkness and despair.
I want to do the right thing by him. I want to tell him the truth. I just don’t want to be responsible for breaking his heart. And I know that is what I will be doing, when I tell him this secret I am pretty sure I will see the light go out. I am the talker of the relationship, I want to talk about it and he doesn’t. If I bring up something I need to get off my chest, he shuts down. Shit, I can’t even talk to him about my day, a problem I have with the kids, the dogs, maybe the cats. Can’t talk to him about the landlords or the drama they cause, the messy house, His mess… the list goes on and on…
I keep saying that I don’t know what to do and I want someone to tell me. When I grow up (ha ha ha), I am going to be a therapist. The one thing you can’t do as a therapist is tell your client what to do, you have to let them come up with the answers on their own. In other words, I need to come up with the answers. I think in all honesty I already have the answers, the type of person I am makes it really hard to hurt him on purpose. I have caught myself opening my mouth, I have sat next to him on the couch and laid next to him in bed willing myself to just tell him, just talk to him, just push the fucking words out and damn the consequences. *sigh*
The consequences… I feel like I should spend time thinking about them. He would tell me that I would be walking away from the best thing I will ever have. He has actually said that to me before. I can’t lie, he is not correct. As much as I want her, the best thing (for now anyway) is to be alone. I really need to think about who I am and who I want to be, who I am trying to be, who my heart is telling me to be. The fact that I want her just screams that I need to be honest to him, I owe him that much. He says I am his best friend, would I want her to make me feel the way I make him feel? Fuck no.
I feel like I have been here before, different people and different circumstances. I am not very good at breaking up with people. I have to push and push them away until they hate me and break up with me. I have been pushing him for so long I can’t believe he is still here, I can’t believe. Part of me resents him for keeping me here, for not making it easy, for not breaking up with me himself, like I resent him because he is making me be the bad guy. It’s not his fault, none of this is his fault.
I keep thinking about the causes of this fail. Is there a cause? There is so much he has done for me. When we first got together he had a major drinking problem and it almost tore us apart. I never gave him the ultimatum, I actually tried really hard to work with him and support him. It wasn’t until his mom passed that he was finally done with the drinking. He says that I saved his life, but I think she did. I think he needed to see first hand the consequences of what she was doing to her body. For him to lay that on me makes me scared that if I leave he will start drinking like that again. When times were like that it was easy to say why I was unhappy and why I wanted to leave. In the last 2 years that problem has disappeared.
There are things about him that I just can not stand. He can be so demeaning to me, his “jokes” (which as so not funny to anyone but him) always seem to point out what a loser someone else is. He thinks it’s cool to talk about our sex life with his son, he thinks its cool to talk about my body to his son (while I am in the damn room, no less), he is such a fucking pig. Dirty clothes just thrown every, dishes left where ever he has last been eating or drinking. Can’t take a dog out, cant unload a dishwasher or put his plate or cup into it, can’t do laundry or fold laundry or fucking any damn thing to make my life easier. It’s all my fucking job. I hate the way he talks sometimes, the shit he says about minorities is the same shit my dad used to say. He makes offensive jokes, I feel like I could never introduce him to my friends (good thing I don’t really have any) or have him around my family. Oh, yea my family hates him. They see through the bullshit that I can’t. I am a maid, nurse, babysitter, cook, and whatever else he doesn’t want to do. Oh yea, his son’s school stuff is my job too (once he actually tried to get me to be the go between among him and the baby momma, I told him Hell no and he was offended). He thinks because he works beyond a 9-5 that exempts him from any other duties, unless they are ones he actually wants to do. If I need help with something, or if I want to talk he actually tells me to have his son do it. And then after doing nothing but work he wants to ask if we can “make love”. I get so fucking pissed, how the fuck do you think I want to “reward” you with sex when I have been the one breaking my back all damn day. I mean, shit! Thank you for working and paying the bills, but are you fucking serious right now? Every fucking night, doesn’t matter if he has said 2 words or less to me all damn day, he still thinks that asking for sex is perfectly acceptable. All while his nasty ass is laying in bed farting and scratching his ass. Somewhere along the way he got really fucking gross to me, somewhere he stopped trying and stopped caring.
I don’t know, I keep saying I hope someone could hit me over the head and tell me to do the right thing. What the fuck is the right thing? I haven’t had to work in 3 years (other than a short job as a cashier around December to like maybe March), he encouraged me to go to school, he supports me in everything I want to do all while driving me nuts with the only damn thing that means anything to him. He thinks all that support means I should be over joyed to fuck him whenever he asks. He doesn’t even do anything to make me attracted to him anymore, she gets me turned on just through FB (to say nothing of when she calls me). It isn’t a comparison, it’s just something for me to think about.
All of this is stuff for me to think about, thanks for letting me rant.