I think I am at a crossroads. When I close my eyes I am standing on a very empty street and there is nobody around, no cars, humans, animals, nothing. I can continue on the path that I am currently on, it isn’t such a bad street in reality since there is some personal growth even if it is only educationally. I can look left and there is change on the horizon, I can look right and there is also change in that direction. I wish I could say that I am standing in that center lane continuing my walk, but at some point I sat my unhappy ass down in the middle of the road and have refused to budge.
I can honestly say I am at the point where I know I need help, I know that I cannot continue on this road, I know that it is time I make that turn. If I could admit that you would think I could be the one to reach out and ask, it should be so fucking easy. I’m sitting here in the middle of the road screaming in my head that I need my sissy. I have no idea what the fuck I am supposed to be doing anymore, I just know this is not it. I know there is more to life than what is going on in this relationship.
When I decided to put my problems out here for others to see it was to challenge myself, to force myself to be honest with exactly who I am and maybe come to terms with who I am supposed to become. I know this is the middle of my journey, I know I am not at the end. I feel pretty confident that there will be many other choices about when and how to change and I am so excited for the rest of my life, I am excited and looking forward to the learning and those challenges. I feel like my life with Him has become so stagnant, there is no growth with us.
I feel like such a loser, I feel there is so much that I am lacking, so much that I don’t have. It makes me feel even worse to admit that I need help to a point that I don’t want to ask. These are the thoughts that make me feel so stuck. I need help, but I am so scared to ask, I am so scared of rejection, I am so scared of failing. I feel so selfish, needing all this help when the person I want help has problems of her own, shit every one has their own shit to deal with. I feel like my little problems are so insignificant, like it is just not fair for me to keep asking for help. I feel like I don’t deserve it.
This is me being honest. I have no map, my GPS isn’t working, this fucking road is like a damn dead zone. I am pretty sure that I need to stand up and get walking at some point, I know I have to make a decision. Superman tells me to do what is right for me, if no one else I know she has my back. I just have all this fucking guilt. I feel so guilty for failing him. Guilt is stronger than any set of handcuffs ever designed when it comes to leaving a bad relationship.
This is me admitting that I need help, this is me admitting it is time to pick up and start walking again. I am putting this shit out there and hoping the universe will hear me.
As always, thanks for reading ❤