Tomorrow is the big day… I have been lazy since May. Okay, my definition of lazy probably isn’t the same as yours. I go grocery shopping, pick up prescriptions and pet food, my house is clean, my family is fed… But what I mean is I haven’t really been doing anything overly productive. I haven’t read anything except maybe some dirty short stories (what i call my guilty pleasure, don’t tell no one, okay?), and I have binge watched some of the sappiest girlie shows I could find on Netflix and Hulu: Grey’s Anatomy, Gilmore Girls, and Glee, too many more to mention… I have been lazy lol. And I am not gonna lie there have been some parts that I have enjoyed. My step-son has been off during this summer too and we have hung out a lot and that has indeed been a pleasure, he is a good kid.
Laziness aside, I am really looking forward to going back to school. I am really both nervous and excited about going to a university, in reality I am the only person in my immediate family to go this far. It is scary and exciting all at the same time, man… there are so many people to prove that i can do this, number one is Me.
There is stuff to talk about too, I owe you an update again.
Superman is enjoying spending time with Lois, so for the time being I am one lonely as fuck Wonder Woman. It’s not as bad as it was in the past, she acknowledges me and reaches out when she needs me, she even reminds me that she still loves and needs me. That goes a long way with me, I least I know I am not forgotten. I am really not sure how it works, but with her I have all the patience in the world. I really don’t care what happens I have time to kill… I have realized that I really need to get a life, I am sure that I have said it too many times, but I have to get out of this shell, I have to find my people, my weirdos, my kinsmen… I need to meet live people this year, I need to make live friends. This is a goal.
I talked to dude when we got home from our vacation, I was honest with my feelings and my confusion, but maybe I wasn’t clear enough. Point blank telling him that I don’t want to be touched, that I don’t want to have sex he didn’t get it… I don’t know how long we will be able to live together. I have made a deal that we will make a final decision in February. Either I will move by myself or we will stay together and stay as a family. At this point the only reason to split up would be because one of us wants a relationship with someone else, I told him point blank I don’t even want to be in a relationship. Honestly if I could have it my way, I would find a live and in person best friend type that I could bestow “privileges” no labels… I thought about it for a long minute, but I really don’t believe I am A-Sexual. I miss sex, I miss kissing and making out, hand holding, I am really lonely for intimacy, I am really missing that connection with another woman. I don’t mean to sound crude, but damnit I really want to fuck a woman (again, sorry it’s just how I feel). I just don’t want to hurt anybody anymore. I don’t want to have obligations or rules or emotions, I just want to be.
I also spent some time with my sister, it wasn’t enough time don’t get me wrong, but it was better than nothing. I clued her in on how I have been feeling about her and she clued me in on some things that I had no idea. Basically, I was wrong about a lot of things. Also, I owe my niece a conversation. ‘s just say a lot of my problems with my family could have been avoided with communication…
There is lot of new shit coming my way. I might not be able to update as often, but I am going to try to keep up with my writing as much as I can. If only in an attempt to keep my chaotic mind sane.
As Always ❤