Back 2 School

Tomorrow is the big day… I have been lazy since May. Okay, my definition of lazy probably isn’t the same as yours. I go grocery shopping, pick up prescriptions and pet food, my house is clean, my family is fed… But what I mean is I haven’t really been doing anything overly productive. I haven’t read anything except maybe some dirty short stories (what i call my guilty pleasure, don’t tell no one, okay?), and I have binge watched some of the sappiest girlie shows I could find on Netflix and Hulu: Grey’s Anatomy, Gilmore Girls, and Glee, too many more to mention… I have been lazy lol. And I am not gonna lie there have been some parts that I have enjoyed. My step-son has been off during this summer too and we have hung out a lot and that has indeed been a pleasure, he is a good kid.

Laziness aside, I am really looking forward to going back to school. I am really both nervous and excited about going to a university, in reality I am the only person in my immediate family to go this far. It is scary and exciting all at the same time, man… there are so many people to prove that i can do this, number one is Me.

There is stuff to talk about too, I owe you an update again.

Superman is enjoying spending time with Lois, so for the time being I am one lonely as fuck Wonder Woman. It’s not as bad as it was in the past, she acknowledges me and reaches out when she needs me, she even reminds me that she still loves and needs me. That goes a long way with me, I least I know I am not forgotten. I am really not sure how it works, but with her I have all the patience in the world. I really don’t care what happens I have time to kill… I have realized that I really need to get a life, I am sure that I have said it too many times, but I have to get out of this shell, I have to find my people, my weirdos, my kinsmen… I need to meet live people this year, I need to make live friends. This is a goal.

I talked to dude when we got home from our vacation, I was honest with my feelings and my confusion, but maybe I wasn’t clear enough. Point blank telling him that I don’t want to be touched, that I don’t want to have sex he didn’t get it… I don’t know how long we will be able to live together. I have made a deal that we will make a final decision in February. Either I will move by myself or we will stay together and stay as a family. At this point the only reason to split up would be because one of us wants a relationship with someone else, I told him point blank I don’t even want to be in a relationship. Honestly if I could have it my way, I would find a live and in person best friend type that I could bestow “privileges” no labels… I thought about it for a long minute, but I really don’t believe I am A-Sexual. I miss sex, I miss kissing and making out, hand holding, I am really lonely for intimacy, I am really missing that connection with another woman. I don’t mean to sound crude, but damnit I really want to fuck a woman (again, sorry it’s just how I feel). I just don’t want to hurt anybody anymore. I don’t want to have obligations or rules or emotions, I just want to be.

I also spent some time with my sister, it wasn’t enough time don’t get me wrong, but it was better than nothing. I clued her in on how I have been feeling about her and she clued me in on some things that I had no idea. Basically, I was wrong about a lot of things. Also, I owe my niece a conversation. ‘s just say a lot of my problems with my family could have been avoided with communication…

There is  lot of new shit coming my way. I might not be able to update as often, but I am going to try to keep up with my writing as much as I can. If only in an attempt to keep my chaotic mind sane.

As Always ❤

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I am Angry

I am not trusting my words too much. I am close to the edge and I am about to break or jump. I am a few steps below done, I am not sure what those steps are called, but let me know if anyone else has a clue.

I am not mad that our vacation plans changed. Other than my thoughts which were running through the halls of my brain with scissors and no direction other than madness the vacation was a success in a lot of ways. The only bad part was the last morning where it became so sickeningly obvious that I am officially done with all of this bullshit.

I begin each day with thoughts of the nights before, all of the unresolved bitterness that I try to fall asleep to every night. We don’t talk about anything super significant, it is all fluff. I honestly believe he doesn’t want me to actually say the words, lie in his mind he would rather stay ignorant and keep pretending that we are some happy couple. I am done.

I am so tired of feeling angry, I am so tired of the bull shit that comes outta his mouth. I can’t figure out how any of it is supposed to be funny, I know that I have a sense of humor, I know that I can have a dirty sense of humor, but the shit that comes outta his mouth all day long is just filthy. I sit here wondering if I am really as prudish as I have become and then the shit just replays through my head and I know that it is not all about me, he really is a fucking nasty ass dude. I am done.

He tries to justify being a dick to me by saying if I want him to be nice I have to fuck him. I could be wrong, but isn’t that a little ass backwards?? I mean, if I want a piece of ass I don’t act like a jerk, that shit has never gotten me anywhere with a female. The thing is I am not so pissed off at him as I am at myself, the fact that not only do I put up with it but I am still here putting up with it. I would rather stay away from my family and not make any friends than expose them to him, he embarrasses me constantly with the shit that comes outta his mouth. I am done.

I don’t know how to get the words outta my mouth, but it is a fight between my lips, teeth, and tongue to keep my mouth shut. I am tiptoeing around him trying to keep everything calm and inside I am holding onto a hurricane. I am so angry all the time, I fight invisible battles with my animals and inanimate objects such as my keys, sunglasses, phone chargers, etc. I am so fucking done.

I just don’t want to do this anymore. I have decided I really just dont even want love anymore. Fuck love. I am over it. I am done. I don’t want it, don’t need it. All I want to do is school and find a fucking job. I will make every attempt within my ability to meet people and make friends, but once I am outta here I am done with it. I don’t want it anymore. Maybe turning cold isn’t the answer, but I get this feeling that my problems aren’t just someone else’s. I can be honest and say I know I blame people for what others in my past did to me, I know this for a fact, and I am done. I want to stay alone until I break this cycle, I refuse to continue hurting people.

I am done. All these wasted emotions, I am through with it all. I just can’t anymore.

How Do I Feel?

**When I do not trust my words, Tech N9ne’s music is the “Go To”. This song seriously speaks to me.**
Wither LYRICS
Tech N9ne
Ft: Corey Taylor

[Intro: Tech N9ne]
I don’t care, they say my angel glow is subsiding
I’m sliding outside of these high beams and I won’t dare
Try to mend this tear, I love I’m fading
The good once there is just dying
So I’m withering away and I’ma trigger when I spray
And I’m attacking everybody till the feeling’s gone!

[Verse 1: Tech N9ne]
All my life I loved with people, so passive back then
I thought I’d be above this evil, my tolerance level
Then was up with doves and eagles
Currently I’ve hit ground zero under bugs and beetles
I’m tilted, inside my head’s a lettuce but wilted
Serotonin, dopamine, and norepinephrine I spilt it
Could it be how many times I’ve been ran over and jilted?
That makes me wanna totally detach from light and just kill shit

[Hook 1: Corey Taylor]
I’ll know when the pain is gone
It’s just a matter of time before my impulses win
And I can feel the wrong
Coming up through the cracks of my heart again
I’m holding on, I’m going
Straight into the mouths of makers
Everything that keeps me calm was taken
I’m letting go, I’m burning through, reserves are low
Just pushing on these old restraints
My time is up cause it’s too late

[Bridge: Tech N9ne](x2)
I’m about to blow up on anyone in my way
My anger’s set to show up, at any time today

[Verse 2: Tech N9ne]
I am lookin’ for some fire, yeah, putting on my gang attire
Drooling and blood I can taste, so get the fuck outta my face
I’m a killer with a quick switch, yeah, all I ever really wanted was bliss
Look at me wither to waste, so get the fuck outta my face
Find another one to get bent, yeah, and it ain’t no stoppin’ this
Lovin’ the thrill of the chase, so get the fuck outta my face
N9ne’s a nigga with the sick-ness, yeah, and it ain’t no blockin’ this
It doesn’t matter the race, just get the fuck out my face

Going, withering away
Going, withering away
Going, withering away
GONE

I gotta say, when my mother died, I really did inside
And that’s the other thing that did it
Turning my crazy on a hundred babies gonna plummet
Maybe I should be committed

[Hook 2: Corey Taylor]
What am I supposed to do?
Do I just keep faking? Fucking forsaking everything I am?
Another pissed mother fucker with a fist and a plan
Oh but you’re making me do this
I can scream while you stand there clueless
If you’re listening I’ve made up my mind
Take another step but I’m fed up this time!

[Tech N9ne]
Something please save me, I’m losing myself

[Verse 3: Tech N9ne]
I don’t think I wanna stop it, but the feeling inside is nauseous
I get really exhausted off it, gotta find a way to wash it lock it
Profit nada so I got to drop it, ain’t nobody in the cockpit
Toss this lostness, people from the office boxes
If you cross this boss live cautious
Don’t make me, don’t make me repeat myself
For your safety, because a pilly is beneath my belt
But I don’t wanna do anything bad to anybody
But I’ll never be perfect
So I’mma say to the people that got a little evil comin’ at you from me I think they deserve it

Going, withering away
Going, withering away
Going, withering away
GONE

Straight, literally snappin’ out
My lady backin’ out cause I’m becoming really mean and vicious
Watching me wither, how can I give her
Love when I been so tainted by these bitches

[Hook 3: Corey Taylor]
We are the arsenal
Chemically imbalanced, completely disposable
So butter my knuckles and taste it
Another sick delinquent is wasted
I don’t forgive, I don’t forget
I haven’t got time to regret
Everybody else in the world can hate me
Nobody but me can save me!

[Outro: Tech N9ne]
Shit, Yates, hates, this, place
If you’re close enough to me to hit the switch
You better never turn it on
I get the feelin’ I’m gonna be craving a
Killin I gotta be real and the evil’ll
Fill up and sucker the middle man ’till he be
GONE!

Lies

I hope that one day you will forgive me. I am not as strong as I thought, I am a big fat liar.
I have acknowledged that I need to distance myself, I need to focus on me. I have learned how to push you out of my mind before I go to sleep at night, I just can’t handle it.
I have stopped stalking you, I just can’t do it.
I wonder if this would feel different if I had our communication back, but I am not sure it would matter.
I hope you are happy in your love, I wish nothing butbthe best. Truth is my distance is more to not poison you with my jealousy, not to unintentionally poison your love. My magick is affected by my emotions. Happy or sad I work better with emotions. I love you too much to cause you any type of pain.
In fact, I hope you read this. I hope you can understand me as well as I can understand you. I hope you see why I have to do this. Most of all I hope you realize how much I care about you. My main hope is you know I will always be here for you, I will always care and above all, I will always love you. No matter what happens between us, this is a promise I will make and keep. I will always love you. If you need me, I am here.
As always… ❤

Family

Hey you,
Yea, you over there. Who do you think you are? You think you can just ignore me for months and then pop up like it’s no big thing?  And not just you, but you gotta friend. Who do I have? I thought I had you, but clearly I was mistaken.
Maybe I am the baby sister, petulant child that you still see me as. The fact is, you have raised me to stand on my own 2 feet, you have raised me to be Wonder Woman. So, who the Fuck do you think you are?
I have said it before, if you gotta problem with me, open your damn mouth. Otherwise, you are chewing on your own bitterness and not allowing me to try to repair the damage. You want me to be an adult, but you arw giving me no fucking choice.
You have been my role model in so many ways, but the way you treat me is something I would never do. You can’t demand respect and not give it. You can’t tell me things are fine between us and then continue to punish me. Where is the rational in that?
This silence cannot go on forever. The fact that my life is going to change in big ways means that we need to bridge this gap, we are family for fucks sake. We are supposed to better than our creator, but you are acting just like him. I really thought we would be bigger than that, I really thought we learned from his very bad example.
I feel like you are waiting for me to come crawling back. I feel like you are waiting for the big emotional me to barge in and apologize. I am sorry that I am NOT sorry. I did not begin this fight and I will Not back down just to appease you. I refuse.
I know, petulant, stubborn, bitter and angry. My fuckin feelings are hurt and if I have to be the bigger person, then this fight is going to continue.
Anytime you want to end this stand off you know where and how to find me. I will make it really easy, I don’t even want an apology. I just want things to be normal and silly like they used to be. I don’t know what happened that made us stop being friends, but I really miss you. Remember how it was back in the day? I have so many great memories.
As always ❤

mumbling about change

Tomorrow starts vacation and I am so very excited. The last week has been a rough one. I have had my eyes opened and I am not sure I like what I see, but I am sure that I don’t have much of a choice. I am thinking that being an adult means accepting things that I cannot change and changing things I cannot accept.

Duded keeps making it too easy for me to stick to this decision, no matter the outcome of this decision I can feel in my blood that it needs to be done. I know without a shadow of a doubt there is something better waiting for me. From where I am standing right now I know that I will give my school 2 years, and regardless of my age this will be the defining moments of ME. This campus is so much bigger than my community college, I am on a hunt for my tribesmen.

I can accept the honest truth that I need to be alone, that I want to be alone. That I need to fall in love with myself, that I need to get to know who the fuck I am and what the fuck I want out of life. I am at the point where I realize the best thing to do for me and others is I need to stay alone until I know at least partially the answers to these questions. It is definitely a good thing that I know what I Don’t want, but that is not enough. It is no longer good enough to survive, I need to learn how to live.

I want to make friends that will last through out the rest of my life. I hear so many people talk about “oh yea, we met in college…” I know that I am older, but I am sure this could happen for me too, I really want to keep an open mind. In all honesty I don’t know how to make friends, I don’t know how to interact with others, socializing is sometimes uncomfortable. I really want to get reacquainted with my gay community, I want to get my big ass out of the closet and this time I want it to be for good. I know what I want, it is time that I didn’t let a stupid heart break ruin me.

I think what might be best for me is to keep my focus on school, finding a job, and getting healthy. I want to work on myself mentally, physically, and emotionally. I will make friends, but this isn’t about finding someone(s) to complete me, this is about being the fucking superhero.

In the last month I have made a lot of progress on just understanding the things that lead me to this place. I can see that my detaching and losing my spine has turned me into the same damn doormat I was when I was married. I am over it, my friends. I don’t want to live like this anymore, and I refuse to keep playing Groundhog day, I Am Done.

I will be gone tomorrow until the 26th and starting school on the 31st. I plan on keeping myself busy and distracted..

On a side note, what does Wonder Woman do when Superman meets Lois Lane? This is the bullshit reality life is… When 2 people live in different time zones, life happens in unexpected ways that are great for others and well, not so great for some. The challenge is not becoming hateful in my jealousy, and my friends, it is indeed a challenge. Superman does not make like Lois easy, it is like I have climbed into my invisible plane and flew off radar. I am trying to be happy and hang onto the things I know and tell my brain to shut the fuck up, but damn I need a distraction. I need a few distractions…

As Always…

Randomness

This post may get a little random because I feel like there are a few topics I want to cover. I am feeling a little scatter brained, but I will try to stay as organized as possible.

This week has been a rough one. My emotions have been all over the place. Superman started seeing someone and I have been insane with jealousy. I want to be supportive and to an extent I am. We had a really good talk before it all happened and I keep trying to replay what was said in an honest effort to stay supportive. I would be lying if I said it’s easy, but I love her. I just have to get over it and be happy for her and know in my heart she knows how I feel and she knows I am still here. I can’t condemn or even just get mad, she was very honest with me about what it is. I just have to trust and be patient, know in my heat that will be always will be.

I am going to Oregon next week, so this will more than likely be my last post until I get back. This is a very much needed break right before school and this girl seriously needs to relax and let some shit go. I have so many thoughts in my head about what is going to happen during and right after this trip I am just trying to keep an open mind for now. This is the end and the beginning all wrapped up into one, can you feel it as well as I can?

School starts the 31st and that day will begin a change for me. My tuition comes with many perks that focus on health and wellness and I plan on using them to the fullness. The furthest into the future I can see at this point is 2 years. I will be doing the same thing for the next 2 years. After I have that degree in my hand, I will make a choice on where to go. I honestly have no clue what will happen, but I know I don’t want to be this far away from her too much longer. Even if I have to be supportive forever I really want to live near my best friend.

I have been dreaming about the end of my lie for the last month, maybe longer. I have this idea in my head that we can be adult and the things that he has said to me about me being his best friend and him loving me no matter what could actually be true. I have made a lot of promises and while I cannot indulge in the long term, I will be here for 2 years. And I know how he is, he is all about the money. He knows I get paid to go to school soon and his first thought will be I just want to be greedy after he has taken care of me for so long. I have plans that include paying off all our bills and possibly paying for us to move. I see no reason that couldn’t still happen if we were no longer together. I mean, we have been roommates for so long as it is maybe it is time we are finally honest about it. That is what I am really hoping abut Oregon, I am really hoping the relaxed atmosphere will help loosen our tongues and will make it easier to be honest. I want that more than anything.

I have a long road ahead of me, I want to change a lot over the next two years. I am planning a list for Witches New Year and I will share then. I want to lay out goals that are attainable. I want to succeed on everything I put forth for myself and That will be the beginning steps officially.

As always…