WTF is “Queer”??

So usually I am not a fan of labels.  I mean honestly, other than Witch, Woman, Irish, Pagan, and my “government name” how I define myself is too complicated to throw a sticker on it and label it one thing over another. That is the real truth of why I am Pagan versus Wiccan. I don’t want to fit in a box and be forced to conform to someone’s idea of what “that” is supposed to be. I want to make up my own rules and definitions of ME as much as possible. 
But… lately this word “Queer” just strikes me as SO fucking RIGHT. In my mind, queer means different, weird, off or odd. This fits in my “no box” world. Unfortunately, not labeling can be lonely.  If I am talking to a female, how I define my sexuality comes out so fucking complicated. I don’t want to be that complicated bitch, she is lonely.
The fact that I am in a “situation” with the dude, regardless of the lack of sex, the very fact that I have a man at home takes away the “lesbian” label that I was always so at home and comfortable with. Yet, at the same time… if you put me next to a male and female who BOTH want me, sorry dude she’s the one.
I have had good relationships with men and women, so I just don’t fuckink know what to call myself.
It’s not like I want a relationship with anyone, but one of my goals for this year was to get reacquainted with my gay community. I am sad to report that I am only a tourist. I was too uncomfortable with the label to even try to reach out. Idk if it will be easier to stand up and say “I’m Queer!” But… maybe this label is just the push I need to get the fuck out of the closet once and for all.
As always… ❤

Let’s talk about jealousy for a minute

So, I picked this song in honor of these two ladies 35th birthday (I am a shitty fangirl, I had to steal this knowledge from someone else’s blog…). But for real, let’s talk about jealousy for a minute. Let’s be really honest with each other right now.

I don’t really give a shit how many times we say to our friends and family upon hearing about their success and or new loves: “I am so happy for you…blah, blah, blah”, why aren’t we honest with them? Why can’t we tell them sometimes we are so fuckin jealous we can’t see straight? Oh, that’s right… Jealousy is too often confused as a hateful or violent word, so we ignore it and shove it down, and heaven forbid we ever even allow ourselves to feel it and it gets bigger and blacker until we tend to blow up. I can’t speak for others, so I won’t even try, this is just about my feelings here.

I am so jealous I feel like maybe I should stop wearing black and start wearing green. My feelings are not where I don’t want someone else to be happy, it’s an envious feeling where I just want to be happy too, damnit! I see couples and friends and just people being free and smiling and all that shit and I can’t run away fast enough. Every time I try to reach out, the communication goes like fireworks and then for whatever reason it just fizzles and is gone. I am trying so hard to find this place where I can be happy for her happiness and man I just feel like I wanna yak. I really want to be happy and in love, I want everything that goes with it. Except  I feel like a damn freezer, I am so fucking cold and shy and closed off, it’s no wonder no one wants to be around me! shit, I don’t want to be around me all that damn much…

I am just so fucking jealous. I can’t help it. I smile and act like I am happy for the masses, but inside I feel so alone and just so fucking lonely. I am so tired of being told she misses me, like fuck if you miss someone and you have the power to reach out, DO IT! Fuck, don’t leave people high and dry just because you are too busy being happy. I swear, if I am ever happy again I will make every effort to not forget those that call me friend. I know it is hard balancing everything that is important, but shit… I know that if she really wanted to reach out she would.

For the record, it’s not just her. I have all these happy lesbian couples on my a few of my social network sites and I just cringe every time they put up pictures… “Me and the Mrs…” I know, I am a total asshole. Seeing all these friends being happy and together just makes me feel so fucking sad for myself. I even feel jealous of my stepson. I really am growing to a point where I just secretly hate shiny happy people holding hands. I really hate seeing people in love under the age of like make 60-70. I feel miserable about admitting that, but it is the truth.

I need to learn to get the hell over all this. I really feel like I know in my heart that I will never be happy like this. no matter what I have to get over this. If I need to leave, then I need to do it, if I need to get my big ass back out of the closet, then damnit that is what I need to do. Whatever the fuck I need to do, now is the fucking time. I am not getting any younger and for some reason one of my biggest fears is that I am going to be come one of these 50 yr old women who can’t admit they are really gay until they fall in love with someone from the women’s soccer team or the PTA or whatever. And that thought just makes me even more miserable…

I honestly cannot remember the last time that I was really and truly happy. Not from something externally that was happening, but happy because I felt happy inside. All is right with my world and I am happy. I just can’t remember, and that really scares me. What if I can never be happy again?

I been thinking about

there has been alot on my mind. I dont know if I ever told you guys, but I am going to School to one day warp young minds LOL Just playing… But for real I am going to school with the intent on becoming a counselor. This is Something I feel very good about but it has its downside too.
I have 2 big papers where I have to diagnose a character from a movie with a mental disorder. It’s actually kinda a fun idea, but of course I have to order the big diagnostic manual and the first thing I do is look up my symptoms. Man, I am fucked up… I know without a doubt I am not the worst, but geez.
I think this has really been ongoing, but I have really been trying to take stock of my life just to try to remind myself of all the good and I can’t take my mind off the bad. It’s like when your driving along and you notice a bad accident. You know you shouldn’t look, shit if you were honest you could admit that you don’t even want to look. But of course, you get closer and as you drive by it is hard to look away.  So many things to look at, so many memories. I see a lot of places I could have done something different. It’s ok, I may not be perfect but there is a lot of me that is on the right path. Not all, you know. Just parts…
There are some major parts that I know I desperately need to change, I am so stuck in the how that I can’t move. I hate to admit it, but I just wish someone could tell me what to do. Like, no options. Come on, bitch. You’re comin with me! I am probably too old, but I really wish I had a friend like that.
I got nothin, man… Dude is at the end of his rope and when I want to talk about it, I can’t bring myself to offer encouragement or positive words or even actions, nope that shit is way too easy. Nothin has changed, we just continue each day pretending the crap we do to eachother is no big deal. We are both guilty, but so cold and shut off we don’t see it. Neither on if us can really say what we need to, I think he’s waiting for me to say it. I can’t, man. I just can’t do it again. I keep saying it, my actions are screaming and he just doesn’t hear it.
All of this shit on an every day basis just keeps me ao fucking down. This loneliness is goin nowhere. I feel lame, like no wonder no one wants to be my friend.
Maybe this is a learning lesson? Like maybe I need to learn to be my own damn friend, maybe I need to just be by myself… maybe I’m just feelin sorry for myself.
As always ❤

my 9/11

My 9/11 will never be about New York. It was for many years after that tragic event, don’t get me wrong I still hold today in respect for those who lost their lives.

If my life took a left instead of a right, I would have a 3 yr old today. I don’t talk about it too much, honestly I very rarely allow myself to even think about it for too long. When the big wave of depression hits sometimes it is all I can think about. I could have a son that looked like his daddy or a daughter that looks like me. It really hurts to not have known that child, we don’t usually say “child”, I choose idea or dream. I always wanted to have babies, I thought what a blessing it would be to create life. But 2 women can’t really create a baby, so I really think I lost my fertility somewhere during my rainbow flag waving years. Most of the time I am really happy to be a part of dude’s kids, but damn man… how heavy that stone is on my depressed head. Like the ONE major “job” I have as a woman, I fail. We haven’t tried after the dream died, I just couldn’t and still can’t handle the thought of losing another one. I always said what is meant to be will happen, and in my twisted mind that means I shouldn’t procreate. Maybe the mix of me plus him isn’t such a great mix. Idk… it never happened before him or in the years since so I figure if that isn’t a bullhorn screaming: “DON’T DO IT!” I dont know what else is, but for whatever reason I’m gonna go ahead and listen. I can stick to my kitties…

But some days, like today… and the date I found out it wasn’t viable (on my bday no less), and the day I actually lost it (while at work). These are the days I miss the dream.
Of course, can’t really allow myself to think too much, life must continue.
Today I miss my mom, I miss my Superman, I miss having someone, I miss too much I can’t put into words…

As always, thank you for reading!
❤ ❤