The worst part of this post is figuring out exactly how to start. I know it has been awhile, I owe an update. But, oh man… I need to talk.
Yesterday… Dude actually felt like talking, actually wanted honesty and openness. I couldn’t deny him anymore, I was too tired to get mad.
We actually sat down and talked or planned out what happens next. He wants to get laid, I guess I can understand that. I guess I can realize how “not normal” it is to be in a relationship and not want to be touched, not want to fuck, not want even a single scrap of intimacy. I know that I am broken, I know that I need help. I want something, I am just not sure it exists out there. I just want to be happy, that is what I keep telling myself. I just want to be happy, like a mantra I keep repeating over and over… What the fuck does it even mean to be happy? To want happiness? Would I even know what “it” is if I was looking right at “it”?
I can tell jokes, and side-step the reality of what goes on inside my head, but the reality is I am fucked up. I can say it, I can write it, I feel it within every fiber of my being that I need help beyond writing this blog. I don’t want to be broken anymore.
He tells me that his biggest ear is I am going to get my degree and leave him, I told him that the reality is my MO is running, shit has gotten rough and mentally I am running. I have shut down and locked myself up so tight that I can’t function. I just want to run away. I keep saying that my problem is that I am pretending to be into a guy, but I am “almost” positive that if I was with a female this issue would still be alive and kicking.
I realize that yes, I have been through shit in my life. I realize that most of it has been unpleasant. The problems stem from the fact that I have not dealt with any single issue or unpleasant thing that has happened. I said this to dude last night: I was hurt by guys, I started dating women, I was hurt by one woman, and I started dating guys again. I don’t do anything without reason, I knew why I was with a dude. I was hurt and did not want to be hurt again. It was easier to blame ALL women instead of THAT ONE woman. I have only barely dealt with my mother’s death, my father’s abandonment, being cheated on, being raped, miscarrying… the list goes on. Wanna know the thought I fell to sleep with last night? Why did I “allow” myself to fall for Superman? Anyone wanna guess? Let’s look at it for a minute… Superman lives in Texas, I live in CA. I don’t have a car, so I can’t drive to her. I don’t have a job, so I couldn’t buy a plane ticket to go visit her. Do you see it? How easy it is to love someone you can’t in reality have. I do; it’s like a neon sign. Of course, I would give her my whole and entire heart. She is “unavailable”. Even before Lois Lane and her became “official”, the distance between us makes her unavailable no matter what. So, it’s easy to love her, feels great that she loves me back. But the reality of what that love actually is, even though I can clearly define all of the labels and stipulations; the reality is heart breaking. I set myself up for failure and then blame someone else when I get hurt. Told you I am fucked up.
So, I don’t pretend to know what happens next. I was waiting all summer to end so that I could request help from my school and now that I am in school I make every single excuse possible not to walk into that building and ask for help. Now, I am at a stand-still. I keep saying I just want to be left alone, but that doesn’t really solve my problems or “fix” me either. I feel so isolated and alone. Even while standing in a full room, I feel locked in this box where I am looking out just hoping that someone will notice me. I just really want someone to notice me.