Untitled for now

I have tried glue, staples, and a neele and thread but I can not keep this shit inside. I feel like I am drowning in my emotions. I am so overwhelmed with my head. I have buried ME inside my head, I am just an empty shell. If I keep going with school I can “check out” just enough to look like I am functioning. I really feel such a strong urge to scream, I  am choking on it.

I have had such a surge of memories lately. I don’t know if it’s because the super blood moon, eclipse, mercury in retrograde or Ileana is desperate for release. I feel electrified and so pent up, caged, locked, no door, no windows; just a fucking box.

I need help. I promised old habits would stay dead, but I find myself just scratching at my skin in old places that burn and itch. I have been staying away from sharp objects. The urge is there, I won’t lie. Its screaming at me, but I will not give in.

October is Depression Awareness month. Watch for signs and get help. I need help.
Why doesn’t it bother me that I opened my relationship?
Why is it “ok” that I am in a relationship with absolutely NO intimacy? No sex? I do not allow him to touch me. What the fuck is wrong with me?! Why am i doing this to him? To me? How the fuck do i stop this train? I REALLY want to get off!

I am so locked in this emotion I cannot think clearly. I am so angry and then so very tired. If someone tried to hurt me I do not have the strength to fight.
And I feel so fucking alone. How did I get this isolated? I look around and I am in the center of strangers.

I don’t know about you, but I need help. I can’t live like this and I sure as hell don’t want to die yet.
I think my purpose in sharing this is we are not alone. This space allows me the freedom to get this shit out.
Thank you


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