Twice in one day?

Ya, I KNOW I already spewed my guts earlier. But I was on my way to school and I couldn’t stop my mind. Ha ha Aquarius problems…

Have you ever felt like you are being pulled in 3 directions? I feel like who I was, who I am, and who I want to be are pulling me in pieces. So, I have been going to counseling and I don’t wanna be all glitter and flowers here, but I have had some serious revelations following my sessions. In many occasions it takes me a few days to really see something but when I finally do its kinda the mental equivalent of hitting your head on an opening door. Like BAM!

I was the kid that didn’t realize abuse didn’t have to have visible bruises and scars. I have been forced to look at my upbringing really close and try to figure out exactly what happened. I was thrown into so many situations that no one prepared me for. The feelings I was trying very desperately to express were constantly being pushed down and ignored with every damn asshole telling me how I was supposed to feel, how to act, and what to say. I wasn’t allowed to ask questions when I didn’t understand, I was shoved into a box and given minimal light and told to grow.

Guess what peeps?? I fucking Failed! How the fuck can I grow with no love, with nothing? It never occured to me that I lived in a house of cards and my emotions were like the wind that blew every fucking card down. It is no wonder my life, my emotional life is constantly in crumbles. I was never given a foundation.

I don’t want to be who I have been. It’s like now that I realize there were problems that have created problems, I can’t stop thinking who could I have been?  If mom hadn’t sold drugs, hadn’t been mental, had sought treatment, had lived. If dad wasn’t a drunk and an asshole, if he wasn’t hurt and angry, if he actually knew how to be a father or better yet if he had given me to family who actually wanted me. How different could I have been if I would have been allowed to sit in the light.

I don’t want to be that broken little bitch anymore. Maybe I shouldn’t say it, but I really don’t like her. I hate her. I don’t want to live her life anymore. I’m not saying I want to forget or pretend it didn’t happen, but I want to live like I am a child of light. I want to live in the sun. I don’t want to be broken anymore.

The thing I hve to figure out is how to move on from this. I don’t want to be the victim, I want to be the survivor. I don’t want to be embarrassed of my story anymore.

That is where I am today. I have these revelations, but what the fuck do I do them?

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last thoughts for 2015

I feel like the world and I have gone through so many changes this year. I feel like I have to say it that way because I have indeed been on a journey and a lot of my shit has changed from how it used to be. However, I cannot remain self-centered and believe that I am alone in these changes. There is so much around me that is different. There are so many things that are not the same. I would like to take a few minutes to reflect on them.

Over and over again, I have to remind myself how very precious this life is. There is so much around me that clues me in and I really need to stop and smell the roses. We are never guaranteed tomorrow, these stupid shootings should tell us that. People, we are killing each other over hurt feelings. Can you imagine? Your pissed off for whatever reason and decide the best response is to go get you gun and hurt people? I don’t get it.

Don’t sweat the small stuff, and it is All small stuff. This is a big one for me to remember. Okay, so things don’t always go according to hopes and dreams. That has to be okay for now. We must learn to appreciate what we have, because to walk this road with less could be a huge difference. Dude and I may not be perfect, I know that I am a fucked up person. I should be by myself where I can’t hurt anyone. I know for a fact if I was alone things for me would probably not be as good. I mean, it is possible I might have nice things, and maybe friends, but alone. Mental illness is hard enough, but to be alone in this would have probably been the end of me. There are many times where the only thing that kept me here is I didn’t want to disappoint him or the kids, I didn’t want his kids to find me… I just couldn’t do that.

It’s going to be okay. It might not happen today or even this week, but this too shall pass. Things are not bad forever and even in the bad there can be found little glimpses of good. It make be hard to see the light in the dark, but I think if I start believing that it is there I will begin to see it.

I also think it is really important to remember that family does not always mean blood. Sometimes those people you share DNA with, really are just simply not cut out to be your best friends. And as much as it may suck, it is what it is. It takes a big step to realize that my life does not match the movie image, but for my own sanity I have to. And it is okay. It doesn’t make me a bad person or even a good person, it just makes me human.

I have to let go of my expectations. I can’t honestly say I even realized I had them. I don’t know what I thought, maybe that since I am willing to do and treat and act a certain way, others in my life should be somewhere along the same line. This is an expectation, and the truth is that it is not fair to hold people up to them. Even if I think my “expectation” isn’t out of reach, maybe for someone else it really is. Just because I think that I am honest, I can not expect others to be as well. I think I have come to the realization that I can allow people into my life and if we don’t share at least the basic moral compass, I don’t have to let it affect me. I can’t say ‘well I am this way, and if you are my friend you should be too’, that is not right. I can’t expect people to call, be honest, give a shit, be kind and helpful just because that is how I see myself.

There will come a day when I am ready to cut those ties that bind. I know that it is getting close and it is coming to a point where I know it is a must. I know that in order to show the love, I really have to do the right thing. I cannot continue on this road. My actions or lack of action hurt a lot of people. This is not recent or confined to one person. I have pushed a lot of people away and then put up this great big wall and just made it so difficult for anyone to get through. And then to make matters worse, when you don’t show up with the wrecking ball and dump truck to try to knock that wall down I get pissed off. This is part of that expectation thing, I think.

I am so very sorry it took so many years for me to begin to realize the issues I have. I am beyond sorry for all the pain I have caused, to the people I have made believe you weren’t good enough. Sorry is not enough. I am a mental mind fuck barely held together with hope. I want so many things, I want the love and rainbows all sprinkled with glitter, I just don’t know that I believe in it. I tell myself how fucked up I am, maybe that is part of my problem, like am I trying to convince myself?

I can’t stop the desire to run away. The fact that I realize it as a defense mechanism does not take away from the fact I really really want to go somewhere. I just want to be happy, but I am starting to realize that until I can actually define what happiness is I am fooling myself. This is why they say you cannot love someone else until you love yourself, if you don’t know what love is how could you possibly give it to someone?

As usual I have vomited a whole lot onto this page and given it over to others in an effort to keep myself accountable. Also, in an effort to remind myself that I am not alone in my misery, I know others have it worse. I realize that life is not a contest to see who has it better or worse. There is no prize.

As always, thank you for reading ❤