Ya, I KNOW I already spewed my guts earlier. But I was on my way to school and I couldn’t stop my mind. Ha ha Aquarius problems…
Have you ever felt like you are being pulled in 3 directions? I feel like who I was, who I am, and who I want to be are pulling me in pieces. So, I have been going to counseling and I don’t wanna be all glitter and flowers here, but I have had some serious revelations following my sessions. In many occasions it takes me a few days to really see something but when I finally do its kinda the mental equivalent of hitting your head on an opening door. Like BAM!
I was the kid that didn’t realize abuse didn’t have to have visible bruises and scars. I have been forced to look at my upbringing really close and try to figure out exactly what happened. I was thrown into so many situations that no one prepared me for. The feelings I was trying very desperately to express were constantly being pushed down and ignored with every damn asshole telling me how I was supposed to feel, how to act, and what to say. I wasn’t allowed to ask questions when I didn’t understand, I was shoved into a box and given minimal light and told to grow.
Guess what peeps?? I fucking Failed! How the fuck can I grow with no love, with nothing? It never occured to me that I lived in a house of cards and my emotions were like the wind that blew every fucking card down. It is no wonder my life, my emotional life is constantly in crumbles. I was never given a foundation.
I don’t want to be who I have been. It’s like now that I realize there were problems that have created problems, I can’t stop thinking who could I have been? If mom hadn’t sold drugs, hadn’t been mental, had sought treatment, had lived. If dad wasn’t a drunk and an asshole, if he wasn’t hurt and angry, if he actually knew how to be a father or better yet if he had given me to family who actually wanted me. How different could I have been if I would have been allowed to sit in the light.
I don’t want to be that broken little bitch anymore. Maybe I shouldn’t say it, but I really don’t like her. I hate her. I don’t want to live her life anymore. I’m not saying I want to forget or pretend it didn’t happen, but I want to live like I am a child of light. I want to live in the sun. I don’t want to be broken anymore.
The thing I hve to figure out is how to move on from this. I don’t want to be the victim, I want to be the survivor. I don’t want to be embarrassed of my story anymore.
That is where I am today. I have these revelations, but what the fuck do I do them?