I can make me hurt (Trigger Warning!)

Hurt Nine Inch Nails (live)

I can’t stop listening to this song. It makes me feel some kind of way that I can not ignore.

TRIGGER!! I used to have a problem with needles when I was in Jr. High and High School. We didn’t call it cutting back then, I don’t even know if there was a word for what I was doing to myself. I hate to admit that I used to hurt myself, I know it is sadly not uncommon. I have learned it is not uncommon around girls. I am not a unique snowflake (ha ha, Fightclub reference…).

Sorry, I got distracted… Needles. I used needles because I could explain why I needed one. Hey, I need a needle I have to hem my pants or fix this pocket or, whatever. I had a flashback the other day to being somewhere in my teens and keeping a safety pin pinned to my jeans at all times. I never talked about it, I don’t even think I wrote about it in my kid diary. It was like I knew what I was doing wasn’t “normal”. I would use the needle to rip up my skin or even scratch lines, shapes, initials, whatever. I check myself out every once in a while after a shower and count the scars.

Listening to this song… the lyrics “the needle tears the hole” have me so stuck. I feel like I got hit in the stomach.

Don’t worry, I am not in danger. I am just feeling shit. I work so fucking hard to keep my shit tucked in and the wall is crumbling, kids… I am not sure how I feel about this. I am remembering things that I had kept blocked, things I didn’t even realize were blocked.

I’m not sure what to do with emotion, no matter what it is it always feels weird. I cry at the drop of a hat (my ex used to say when she was on the rag she cried during those carpet cleaning commercials where someone spilled red wine on the white carpet, I’m in the same boat), I am prone to strong bursts of anger, I feel sad and reflexive. Like I just want to cut open my chest in front of the mirror and examine all the gooey stuff in there. Metaphorically, of course. In real life, blood and guts are icky.

I don’t know what it is that made me stop playing with needles. I know that one ex pissed me off to the point that I tried to jump back into the bad habit about 6 years ago (an answer to the why is there a triangle shaped scar on my hand), but long before that I had out grown it. I am lucky that I outgrew that habit, I know some people don’t make it that far. Some people have way more and worse scars than I do.

This song doesn’t so much make me want to, just makes me remember what drew me to it. I really hate feeling empty, I hate that I can’t process my emotions “correctly”. I hate that I can’t smile for real anymore. Dude said a few days or weeks ago that he can’t remember the last time I laughed without it being sarcastic or fake. That’s doing pretty bad, man. I didn’t have words and I still don’t. I just can’t get happy. Most of the time I feel lost and alone.

The best way I could explain to him. I don’t want to hurt myself, I promise I don’t. I just don’t have the motivation to live. I wouldn’t play in traffic, I wouldn’t ever tempt death. But there are days where I could flirt with him a little bit.

Hurt reminds me of those times, thoughts. I never listened to music then the way I do now, I never held on to lyrics like they were written for me. She taught me that. She taught me to take music and use it as my voice when I could not speak. I don’t think she knew it then, but I think she taught me how to heal myself.

As always ❤

 

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