Dear Mom 2

Hi mom, sitting down to write to you when I wish so much more to be able to call. I am missing you like crazy lately, I just wanna pick up the phone so badly. I have been in deep thought lately. I wonder what you would do in my shoes, what decision would you make? Could you help me be honest? Could you take control of my tongue and maybe say the words for me? She tells me that maybe I would be doing him a favor, what do you think about that? I got this really nice herb, I wish you could sit and smoke and talk with me. I changed my hair, do you like it? I think I like it but honestly I really miss my long pretty hippie hair, I miss braids. Sometimes I even miss my blonde hair too lol. I miss you the most, mom. I will write again, for now I lose the words. I just need you now more than ever. I honestly have no one. Well, no one i want. I have no family, blood. Its so silent here on guilt and punishment island where I have been banished. I miss my sisters, I wish she would call me. I feel so lonely most of the time. I wish you were here.


Dear Mom

Dear Mom,

The last few weeks have made me wish like mad I could reach out to you. I wish I could pick up the phone and call you. I have so much on my plate and I want so much to come to you for guidance and support. I wonder if you were still alive if you would still live here, your business was walking distance from where I currently live. I often think about how nice it would be to bring you lunch and talk.

Honestly, I always believed I needed you more when I was growing up, but as an adult I swear there is not a day that goes by where I wish I could ask your opinion about something. Don’t worry I know food wasn’t your expertise, I would have never called for recipes or cooking tips. One of your sisters told me that love was something you struggled with during your life and I find myself wondering if that is something I will have problems with as well. Will I always feel so confused and unsure?

There is so much that I want to do with my life and the vision I have in my head is so different from what I have. Some times I feel like I made a left turn somewhere I was supposed to make a right. I feel like I have been given advice from many different sides that I am at a point where I know what it is I have to do, I just want you to help me do it.

I know that I could ask my sister, but there is this little thing called pride that keeps me from reaching out to her. It is so embarrassing and I feel ashamed that I even want her help, I am feeling like I can’t do this myself. I know I can, I just don’t at the same time.

Last night he told me that I am mentally cheating on him. Is that even a real thing? I feel like the biggest piece of shit because I know in some ways he is right, not mentally but probably emotionally. I just don’t want to be the bad guy damnit, I just can’t be the one. No matter how hard and how far I push him, telling him the truth is so much worse. I think that I am already the bad guy. I don’t know how or when this happened, but yea it’s definitely emotionally cheating and he is right in every single way.

I spend all this time telling myself that I am not in the wrong because if he really and truly sat down with himself and took a good hard look at our relationship he would come to the same conclusions that I do. My mistake is sitting back and forcing him to be the one to do something about it. I really don’t think he knows how many times I have already saved our relationship from me walking away. I just do not want to do this anymore, mom. Being in a loveless relationship is the worst kind of death for two young and healthy adults next to cancer.

Every day this week I have had visions of sending my sister a text or call asking for help, and every day I talk myself out of it. I swear he and the kids talk me out of it in their own ways too because all of the sudden he needs this or someone needs that. I keep trying to justify my reasons for staying when I KNOW that I shouldn’t.

I can’t stand this feeling. I can’t stand my emotions, I can’t stay so cold and shut down anymore. I think forcing myself to not feel is making me feel more intensively the feelings of others. I can block my own, but watching others go through it causes me to react. When did having feelings become contagious??? D used to tell me that I am cold and it makes me feel ashamed to admit I think she is right.

I wonder what the differences would be if you were here. I know that you had your good and your bad just like I do, but I really wonder how much our lives would have been different if you have lived. Who would I have been if you had been able to raise me? How different would my life have been? I wonder…

I miss you, mom. I hope that you are getting your rest and healing still. I know that you are around sometimes. I hope I put on a good enough show sometimes to keep you watching. I love you, mom.