Twice in one day?

Ya, I KNOW I already spewed my guts earlier. But I was on my way to school and I couldn’t stop my mind. Ha ha Aquarius problems…

Have you ever felt like you are being pulled in 3 directions? I feel like who I was, who I am, and who I want to be are pulling me in pieces. So, I have been going to counseling and I don’t wanna be all glitter and flowers here, but I have had some serious revelations following my sessions. In many occasions it takes me a few days to really see something but when I finally do its kinda the mental equivalent of hitting your head on an opening door. Like BAM!

I was the kid that didn’t realize abuse didn’t have to have visible bruises and scars. I have been forced to look at my upbringing really close and try to figure out exactly what happened. I was thrown into so many situations that no one prepared me for. The feelings I was trying very desperately to express were constantly being pushed down and ignored with every damn asshole telling me how I was supposed to feel, how to act, and what to say. I wasn’t allowed to ask questions when I didn’t understand, I was shoved into a box and given minimal light and told to grow.

Guess what peeps?? I fucking Failed! How the fuck can I grow with no love, with nothing? It never occured to me that I lived in a house of cards and my emotions were like the wind that blew every fucking card down. It is no wonder my life, my emotional life is constantly in crumbles. I was never given a foundation.

I don’t want to be who I have been. It’s like now that I realize there were problems that have created problems, I can’t stop thinking who could I have been?  If mom hadn’t sold drugs, hadn’t been mental, had sought treatment, had lived. If dad wasn’t a drunk and an asshole, if he wasn’t hurt and angry, if he actually knew how to be a father or better yet if he had given me to family who actually wanted me. How different could I have been if I would have been allowed to sit in the light.

I don’t want to be that broken little bitch anymore. Maybe I shouldn’t say it, but I really don’t like her. I hate her. I don’t want to live her life anymore. I’m not saying I want to forget or pretend it didn’t happen, but I want to live like I am a child of light. I want to live in the sun. I don’t want to be broken anymore.

The thing I hve to figure out is how to move on from this. I don’t want to be the victim, I want to be the survivor. I don’t want to be embarrassed of my story anymore.

That is where I am today. I have these revelations, but what the fuck do I do them?

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last thoughts for 2015

I feel like the world and I have gone through so many changes this year. I feel like I have to say it that way because I have indeed been on a journey and a lot of my shit has changed from how it used to be. However, I cannot remain self-centered and believe that I am alone in these changes. There is so much around me that is different. There are so many things that are not the same. I would like to take a few minutes to reflect on them.

Over and over again, I have to remind myself how very precious this life is. There is so much around me that clues me in and I really need to stop and smell the roses. We are never guaranteed tomorrow, these stupid shootings should tell us that. People, we are killing each other over hurt feelings. Can you imagine? Your pissed off for whatever reason and decide the best response is to go get you gun and hurt people? I don’t get it.

Don’t sweat the small stuff, and it is All small stuff. This is a big one for me to remember. Okay, so things don’t always go according to hopes and dreams. That has to be okay for now. We must learn to appreciate what we have, because to walk this road with less could be a huge difference. Dude and I may not be perfect, I know that I am a fucked up person. I should be by myself where I can’t hurt anyone. I know for a fact if I was alone things for me would probably not be as good. I mean, it is possible I might have nice things, and maybe friends, but alone. Mental illness is hard enough, but to be alone in this would have probably been the end of me. There are many times where the only thing that kept me here is I didn’t want to disappoint him or the kids, I didn’t want his kids to find me… I just couldn’t do that.

It’s going to be okay. It might not happen today or even this week, but this too shall pass. Things are not bad forever and even in the bad there can be found little glimpses of good. It make be hard to see the light in the dark, but I think if I start believing that it is there I will begin to see it.

I also think it is really important to remember that family does not always mean blood. Sometimes those people you share DNA with, really are just simply not cut out to be your best friends. And as much as it may suck, it is what it is. It takes a big step to realize that my life does not match the movie image, but for my own sanity I have to. And it is okay. It doesn’t make me a bad person or even a good person, it just makes me human.

I have to let go of my expectations. I can’t honestly say I even realized I had them. I don’t know what I thought, maybe that since I am willing to do and treat and act a certain way, others in my life should be somewhere along the same line. This is an expectation, and the truth is that it is not fair to hold people up to them. Even if I think my “expectation” isn’t out of reach, maybe for someone else it really is. Just because I think that I am honest, I can not expect others to be as well. I think I have come to the realization that I can allow people into my life and if we don’t share at least the basic moral compass, I don’t have to let it affect me. I can’t say ‘well I am this way, and if you are my friend you should be too’, that is not right. I can’t expect people to call, be honest, give a shit, be kind and helpful just because that is how I see myself.

There will come a day when I am ready to cut those ties that bind. I know that it is getting close and it is coming to a point where I know it is a must. I know that in order to show the love, I really have to do the right thing. I cannot continue on this road. My actions or lack of action hurt a lot of people. This is not recent or confined to one person. I have pushed a lot of people away and then put up this great big wall and just made it so difficult for anyone to get through. And then to make matters worse, when you don’t show up with the wrecking ball and dump truck to try to knock that wall down I get pissed off. This is part of that expectation thing, I think.

I am so very sorry it took so many years for me to begin to realize the issues I have. I am beyond sorry for all the pain I have caused, to the people I have made believe you weren’t good enough. Sorry is not enough. I am a mental mind fuck barely held together with hope. I want so many things, I want the love and rainbows all sprinkled with glitter, I just don’t know that I believe in it. I tell myself how fucked up I am, maybe that is part of my problem, like am I trying to convince myself?

I can’t stop the desire to run away. The fact that I realize it as a defense mechanism does not take away from the fact I really really want to go somewhere. I just want to be happy, but I am starting to realize that until I can actually define what happiness is I am fooling myself. This is why they say you cannot love someone else until you love yourself, if you don’t know what love is how could you possibly give it to someone?

As usual I have vomited a whole lot onto this page and given it over to others in an effort to keep myself accountable. Also, in an effort to remind myself that I am not alone in my misery, I know others have it worse. I realize that life is not a contest to see who has it better or worse. There is no prize.

As always, thank you for reading ❤

Untitled for now

I have tried glue, staples, and a neele and thread but I can not keep this shit inside. I feel like I am drowning in my emotions. I am so overwhelmed with my head. I have buried ME inside my head, I am just an empty shell. If I keep going with school I can “check out” just enough to look like I am functioning. I really feel such a strong urge to scream, I  am choking on it.

I have had such a surge of memories lately. I don’t know if it’s because the super blood moon, eclipse, mercury in retrograde or Ileana is desperate for release. I feel electrified and so pent up, caged, locked, no door, no windows; just a fucking box.

I need help. I promised old habits would stay dead, but I find myself just scratching at my skin in old places that burn and itch. I have been staying away from sharp objects. The urge is there, I won’t lie. Its screaming at me, but I will not give in.

October is Depression Awareness month. Watch for signs and get help. I need help.
Why doesn’t it bother me that I opened my relationship?
Why is it “ok” that I am in a relationship with absolutely NO intimacy? No sex? I do not allow him to touch me. What the fuck is wrong with me?! Why am i doing this to him? To me? How the fuck do i stop this train? I REALLY want to get off!

I am so locked in this emotion I cannot think clearly. I am so angry and then so very tired. If someone tried to hurt me I do not have the strength to fight.
And I feel so fucking alone. How did I get this isolated? I look around and I am in the center of strangers.

I don’t know about you, but I need help. I can’t live like this and I sure as hell don’t want to die yet.
I think my purpose in sharing this is we are not alone. This space allows me the freedom to get this shit out.
Thank you

So, this is what happened…

The worst part of this post is figuring out exactly how to start. I know it has been awhile, I owe an update. But, oh man… I need to talk.

Yesterday… Dude actually felt like talking, actually wanted honesty and openness. I couldn’t deny him anymore, I was too tired to get mad.

We actually sat down and talked or planned out what happens next. He wants to get laid, I guess I can understand that. I guess I can realize how “not normal” it is to be in a relationship and not want to be touched, not want to fuck, not want even a single scrap of intimacy. I know that I am broken, I know that I need help. I want something, I am just not sure it exists out there. I just want to be happy, that is what I keep telling myself. I just want to be happy, like a mantra I keep repeating over and over… What the fuck does it even mean to be happy? To want happiness? Would I even know what “it” is if I was looking right at “it”?

I can tell jokes, and side-step the reality of what goes on inside my head, but the reality is I am fucked up. I can say it, I can write it, I feel it within every fiber of my being that I need help beyond writing this blog. I don’t want to be broken anymore.

He tells me that his biggest ear is I am going to get my degree and leave him, I told him that the reality is my MO is running, shit has gotten rough and mentally I am running. I have shut down and locked myself up so tight that I can’t function. I just want to run away. I keep saying that my problem is that I am pretending to be into a guy, but I am “almost” positive that if I was with a female this issue would still be alive and kicking.

I realize that yes, I have been through shit in my life. I realize that most of it has been unpleasant. The problems stem from the fact that I have not dealt with any single issue or unpleasant thing that has happened. I said this to dude last night: I was hurt by guys, I started dating women, I was hurt by one woman, and I started dating guys again. I don’t do anything without reason, I knew why I was with a dude. I was hurt and did not want to be hurt again. It was easier to blame ALL women instead of THAT ONE woman. I have only barely dealt with my mother’s death, my father’s abandonment, being cheated on, being raped, miscarrying… the list goes on. Wanna know the thought I fell to sleep with last night? Why did I “allow” myself to fall for Superman? Anyone wanna guess? Let’s look at it for a minute… Superman lives in Texas, I live in CA. I don’t have a car, so I can’t drive to her. I don’t have a job, so I couldn’t buy a plane ticket to go visit her. Do you see it? How easy it is to love someone you can’t in reality have. I do; it’s like a neon sign. Of course, I would give her my whole and entire heart. She is “unavailable”. Even before Lois Lane and her became “official”, the distance between us makes her unavailable no matter what. So, it’s easy to love her, feels great that she loves me back. But the reality of what that love actually is, even though I can clearly define all of the labels and stipulations; the reality is heart breaking. I set myself up for failure and then blame someone else when I get hurt. Told you I am fucked up.

So, I don’t pretend to know what happens next. I was waiting all summer to end so that I could request help from my school and now that I am in school I make every single excuse possible not to walk into that building and ask for help. Now, I am at a stand-still. I keep saying I just want to be left alone, but that doesn’t really solve my problems or “fix” me either. I feel so isolated and alone. Even while standing in a full room, I feel locked in this box where I am looking out just hoping that someone will notice me. I just really want someone to notice me.

As Always…<3

WTF is “Queer”??

So usually I am not a fan of labels.  I mean honestly, other than Witch, Woman, Irish, Pagan, and my “government name” how I define myself is too complicated to throw a sticker on it and label it one thing over another. That is the real truth of why I am Pagan versus Wiccan. I don’t want to fit in a box and be forced to conform to someone’s idea of what “that” is supposed to be. I want to make up my own rules and definitions of ME as much as possible. 
But… lately this word “Queer” just strikes me as SO fucking RIGHT. In my mind, queer means different, weird, off or odd. This fits in my “no box” world. Unfortunately, not labeling can be lonely.  If I am talking to a female, how I define my sexuality comes out so fucking complicated. I don’t want to be that complicated bitch, she is lonely.
The fact that I am in a “situation” with the dude, regardless of the lack of sex, the very fact that I have a man at home takes away the “lesbian” label that I was always so at home and comfortable with. Yet, at the same time… if you put me next to a male and female who BOTH want me, sorry dude she’s the one.
I have had good relationships with men and women, so I just don’t fuckink know what to call myself.
It’s not like I want a relationship with anyone, but one of my goals for this year was to get reacquainted with my gay community. I am sad to report that I am only a tourist. I was too uncomfortable with the label to even try to reach out. Idk if it will be easier to stand up and say “I’m Queer!” But… maybe this label is just the push I need to get the fuck out of the closet once and for all.
As always… ❤

Let’s talk about jealousy for a minute

So, I picked this song in honor of these two ladies 35th birthday (I am a shitty fangirl, I had to steal this knowledge from someone else’s blog…). But for real, let’s talk about jealousy for a minute. Let’s be really honest with each other right now.

I don’t really give a shit how many times we say to our friends and family upon hearing about their success and or new loves: “I am so happy for you…blah, blah, blah”, why aren’t we honest with them? Why can’t we tell them sometimes we are so fuckin jealous we can’t see straight? Oh, that’s right… Jealousy is too often confused as a hateful or violent word, so we ignore it and shove it down, and heaven forbid we ever even allow ourselves to feel it and it gets bigger and blacker until we tend to blow up. I can’t speak for others, so I won’t even try, this is just about my feelings here.

I am so jealous I feel like maybe I should stop wearing black and start wearing green. My feelings are not where I don’t want someone else to be happy, it’s an envious feeling where I just want to be happy too, damnit! I see couples and friends and just people being free and smiling and all that shit and I can’t run away fast enough. Every time I try to reach out, the communication goes like fireworks and then for whatever reason it just fizzles and is gone. I am trying so hard to find this place where I can be happy for her happiness and man I just feel like I wanna yak. I really want to be happy and in love, I want everything that goes with it. Except  I feel like a damn freezer, I am so fucking cold and shy and closed off, it’s no wonder no one wants to be around me! shit, I don’t want to be around me all that damn much…

I am just so fucking jealous. I can’t help it. I smile and act like I am happy for the masses, but inside I feel so alone and just so fucking lonely. I am so tired of being told she misses me, like fuck if you miss someone and you have the power to reach out, DO IT! Fuck, don’t leave people high and dry just because you are too busy being happy. I swear, if I am ever happy again I will make every effort to not forget those that call me friend. I know it is hard balancing everything that is important, but shit… I know that if she really wanted to reach out she would.

For the record, it’s not just her. I have all these happy lesbian couples on my a few of my social network sites and I just cringe every time they put up pictures… “Me and the Mrs…” I know, I am a total asshole. Seeing all these friends being happy and together just makes me feel so fucking sad for myself. I even feel jealous of my stepson. I really am growing to a point where I just secretly hate shiny happy people holding hands. I really hate seeing people in love under the age of like make 60-70. I feel miserable about admitting that, but it is the truth.

I need to learn to get the hell over all this. I really feel like I know in my heart that I will never be happy like this. no matter what I have to get over this. If I need to leave, then I need to do it, if I need to get my big ass back out of the closet, then damnit that is what I need to do. Whatever the fuck I need to do, now is the fucking time. I am not getting any younger and for some reason one of my biggest fears is that I am going to be come one of these 50 yr old women who can’t admit they are really gay until they fall in love with someone from the women’s soccer team or the PTA or whatever. And that thought just makes me even more miserable…

I honestly cannot remember the last time that I was really and truly happy. Not from something externally that was happening, but happy because I felt happy inside. All is right with my world and I am happy. I just can’t remember, and that really scares me. What if I can never be happy again?

I been thinking about

there has been alot on my mind. I dont know if I ever told you guys, but I am going to School to one day warp young minds LOL Just playing… But for real I am going to school with the intent on becoming a counselor. This is Something I feel very good about but it has its downside too.
I have 2 big papers where I have to diagnose a character from a movie with a mental disorder. It’s actually kinda a fun idea, but of course I have to order the big diagnostic manual and the first thing I do is look up my symptoms. Man, I am fucked up… I know without a doubt I am not the worst, but geez.
I think this has really been ongoing, but I have really been trying to take stock of my life just to try to remind myself of all the good and I can’t take my mind off the bad. It’s like when your driving along and you notice a bad accident. You know you shouldn’t look, shit if you were honest you could admit that you don’t even want to look. But of course, you get closer and as you drive by it is hard to look away.  So many things to look at, so many memories. I see a lot of places I could have done something different. It’s ok, I may not be perfect but there is a lot of me that is on the right path. Not all, you know. Just parts…
There are some major parts that I know I desperately need to change, I am so stuck in the how that I can’t move. I hate to admit it, but I just wish someone could tell me what to do. Like, no options. Come on, bitch. You’re comin with me! I am probably too old, but I really wish I had a friend like that.
I got nothin, man… Dude is at the end of his rope and when I want to talk about it, I can’t bring myself to offer encouragement or positive words or even actions, nope that shit is way too easy. Nothin has changed, we just continue each day pretending the crap we do to eachother is no big deal. We are both guilty, but so cold and shut off we don’t see it. Neither on if us can really say what we need to, I think he’s waiting for me to say it. I can’t, man. I just can’t do it again. I keep saying it, my actions are screaming and he just doesn’t hear it.
All of this shit on an every day basis just keeps me ao fucking down. This loneliness is goin nowhere. I feel lame, like no wonder no one wants to be my friend.
Maybe this is a learning lesson? Like maybe I need to learn to be my own damn friend, maybe I need to just be by myself… maybe I’m just feelin sorry for myself.
As always ❤