I have been trying to find the words to explain why I am the way I am, I have been trying to understand myself and my actions. I have been trying to understand the reasons behind my lies. I have been trying to understand who I really am behind my many many masks.
I found this little blurb on social media this morning and literally stopped in my tracks. I didn’t even know I was looking for something to say, I didn’t know these were the words I was feeling. I didn’t know how I was feeling. I feel like this is a post I have been trying to write since the New Year.
Why did I walk away from a life that felt like home to me? Why did I ignore the inner voice these last almost 10 years? Why have I been lying to myself and everyone around me? Who the fuck am I?
Then I stumbled…
I remember so much of my former life. Things I wasn’t sure I even want to remember, things I rarely even allow myself to think about. I have only been in counseling for a short while and she has been telling me about the positive aspects of making peace with your past. Granted, she is talking about distant past but I think that this is a concept that can be applied to any stage of my life. It has taken me this long to realize that my biggest form of defense has been to tuck my tail between my legs and run for my life when shit gets too real, realizing this I think sets the stage for stopping it.
The first part: “I loved you so much I couldn’t breathe” I used to tell her I could not breathe without her. I gave her so much power over myself. I loved too much. And all she had to do was tell me she missed me. It was like some code that just took every ounce of mental power away. Every time she left I knew that I deserved better, I knew that I was just a door mat with her, but she was like a drug to me. I think I told her that too…
Once that was completely over and I knew she was never coming back I let the withdrawal take over. I knew that I needed to detox and I did. But it took the dude to realize I did not detox long enough. In knowing that I never wanted to hurt that way again, I told myself that all women were hurtful, all women were the problem. If she could hurt me, all women can and will given half the chance. Every single relationship I had after her only affirmed that thought. With the last being the ultimate nail in the coffin of my sexual orientation. By the time I started talking to dude I was so convinced I would be alone forever that I was willing to talk to anyone. I just wanted to believe that I could be loved and someone could love me back. I wanted to believe that she was wrong; I’m not cold, I’m not unfeeling, I know how to show love.
It took all this time to admit to myself she was at least partially right. I am cold, to an extent. I am unfeeling sometimes. And I do have a hard time showing my feelings. The truth is that I have to hurt someone in order to show I have feelings. I just can’t do that. I can’t hurt someone in the ways that I have been hurt. Even if I know that my inaction is as hurtful if not more so. I look up at that blurb again, and I wonder…
I try not to think about how he feels about me. When we have been able to talk to each other openly and honestly, I dance around the subject while at the same time demanding truths from him. His truths are like daggers into my heart. He is me when I loved too much.
I catch myself wondering if she things of me, wondering if she stalks me. Does she think I am happy? Does she ever think of me? Does she ever remember?
I need to start dealing with my past, and that means a whole lot of unresolved shit that deals with her. I have to deal with it if I ever hope to move on with my life. I have to get to a point where I can talk about it without feeling like my heart is going to explode. I have to believe that she was not the one, and that by her NOT being the one there is a “ONE” out there for me. That pseudo happiness I experienced by being with her for so long; I have to believe that I can have that with someone real. I have to open myself up to it, I have to give it a chance. Maybe that is my problem, I haven’t tried to be open.
Well, 2016… I am willing to try. This is “new year, new me” crap. I can’t keep running (I am getting too old for that). I have to face the fears that pushed me to the place I am and I need to be honest and decide if this is where I belong or not. And damn it, if this is were I want to be then it is high time to start acting like it. If I don’t want what I have, than it is only fair to let it go so it has a chance too. I can’t keep pretending (I’m too old for that shit too). I don’t do resolutions, its too hard trying to stick with something while life happens. But I think if I try, well maybe that is ok.
As always ❤