Let’s talk about jealousy for a minute

So, I picked this song in honor of these two ladies 35th birthday (I am a shitty fangirl, I had to steal this knowledge from someone else’s blog…). But for real, let’s talk about jealousy for a minute. Let’s be really honest with each other right now.

I don’t really give a shit how many times we say to our friends and family upon hearing about their success and or new loves: “I am so happy for you…blah, blah, blah”, why aren’t we honest with them? Why can’t we tell them sometimes we are so fuckin jealous we can’t see straight? Oh, that’s right… Jealousy is too often confused as a hateful or violent word, so we ignore it and shove it down, and heaven forbid we ever even allow ourselves to feel it and it gets bigger and blacker until we tend to blow up. I can’t speak for others, so I won’t even try, this is just about my feelings here.

I am so jealous I feel like maybe I should stop wearing black and start wearing green. My feelings are not where I don’t want someone else to be happy, it’s an envious feeling where I just want to be happy too, damnit! I see couples and friends and just people being free and smiling and all that shit and I can’t run away fast enough. Every time I try to reach out, the communication goes like fireworks and then for whatever reason it just fizzles and is gone. I am trying so hard to find this place where I can be happy for her happiness and man I just feel like I wanna yak. I really want to be happy and in love, I want everything that goes with it. Except  I feel like a damn freezer, I am so fucking cold and shy and closed off, it’s no wonder no one wants to be around me! shit, I don’t want to be around me all that damn much…

I am just so fucking jealous. I can’t help it. I smile and act like I am happy for the masses, but inside I feel so alone and just so fucking lonely. I am so tired of being told she misses me, like fuck if you miss someone and you have the power to reach out, DO IT! Fuck, don’t leave people high and dry just because you are too busy being happy. I swear, if I am ever happy again I will make every effort to not forget those that call me friend. I know it is hard balancing everything that is important, but shit… I know that if she really wanted to reach out she would.

For the record, it’s not just her. I have all these happy lesbian couples on my a few of my social network sites and I just cringe every time they put up pictures… “Me and the Mrs…” I know, I am a total asshole. Seeing all these friends being happy and together just makes me feel so fucking sad for myself. I even feel jealous of my stepson. I really am growing to a point where I just secretly hate shiny happy people holding hands. I really hate seeing people in love under the age of like make 60-70. I feel miserable about admitting that, but it is the truth.

I need to learn to get the hell over all this. I really feel like I know in my heart that I will never be happy like this. no matter what I have to get over this. If I need to leave, then I need to do it, if I need to get my big ass back out of the closet, then damnit that is what I need to do. Whatever the fuck I need to do, now is the fucking time. I am not getting any younger and for some reason one of my biggest fears is that I am going to be come one of these 50 yr old women who can’t admit they are really gay until they fall in love with someone from the women’s soccer team or the PTA or whatever. And that thought just makes me even more miserable…

I honestly cannot remember the last time that I was really and truly happy. Not from something externally that was happening, but happy because I felt happy inside. All is right with my world and I am happy. I just can’t remember, and that really scares me. What if I can never be happy again?

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I been thinking about

there has been alot on my mind. I dont know if I ever told you guys, but I am going to School to one day warp young minds LOL Just playing… But for real I am going to school with the intent on becoming a counselor. This is Something I feel very good about but it has its downside too.
I have 2 big papers where I have to diagnose a character from a movie with a mental disorder. It’s actually kinda a fun idea, but of course I have to order the big diagnostic manual and the first thing I do is look up my symptoms. Man, I am fucked up… I know without a doubt I am not the worst, but geez.
I think this has really been ongoing, but I have really been trying to take stock of my life just to try to remind myself of all the good and I can’t take my mind off the bad. It’s like when your driving along and you notice a bad accident. You know you shouldn’t look, shit if you were honest you could admit that you don’t even want to look. But of course, you get closer and as you drive by it is hard to look away.  So many things to look at, so many memories. I see a lot of places I could have done something different. It’s ok, I may not be perfect but there is a lot of me that is on the right path. Not all, you know. Just parts…
There are some major parts that I know I desperately need to change, I am so stuck in the how that I can’t move. I hate to admit it, but I just wish someone could tell me what to do. Like, no options. Come on, bitch. You’re comin with me! I am probably too old, but I really wish I had a friend like that.
I got nothin, man… Dude is at the end of his rope and when I want to talk about it, I can’t bring myself to offer encouragement or positive words or even actions, nope that shit is way too easy. Nothin has changed, we just continue each day pretending the crap we do to eachother is no big deal. We are both guilty, but so cold and shut off we don’t see it. Neither on if us can really say what we need to, I think he’s waiting for me to say it. I can’t, man. I just can’t do it again. I keep saying it, my actions are screaming and he just doesn’t hear it.
All of this shit on an every day basis just keeps me ao fucking down. This loneliness is goin nowhere. I feel lame, like no wonder no one wants to be my friend.
Maybe this is a learning lesson? Like maybe I need to learn to be my own damn friend, maybe I need to just be by myself… maybe I’m just feelin sorry for myself.
As always ❤

my 9/11

My 9/11 will never be about New York. It was for many years after that tragic event, don’t get me wrong I still hold today in respect for those who lost their lives.

If my life took a left instead of a right, I would have a 3 yr old today. I don’t talk about it too much, honestly I very rarely allow myself to even think about it for too long. When the big wave of depression hits sometimes it is all I can think about. I could have a son that looked like his daddy or a daughter that looks like me. It really hurts to not have known that child, we don’t usually say “child”, I choose idea or dream. I always wanted to have babies, I thought what a blessing it would be to create life. But 2 women can’t really create a baby, so I really think I lost my fertility somewhere during my rainbow flag waving years. Most of the time I am really happy to be a part of dude’s kids, but damn man… how heavy that stone is on my depressed head. Like the ONE major “job” I have as a woman, I fail. We haven’t tried after the dream died, I just couldn’t and still can’t handle the thought of losing another one. I always said what is meant to be will happen, and in my twisted mind that means I shouldn’t procreate. Maybe the mix of me plus him isn’t such a great mix. Idk… it never happened before him or in the years since so I figure if that isn’t a bullhorn screaming: “DON’T DO IT!” I dont know what else is, but for whatever reason I’m gonna go ahead and listen. I can stick to my kitties…

But some days, like today… and the date I found out it wasn’t viable (on my bday no less), and the day I actually lost it (while at work). These are the days I miss the dream.
Of course, can’t really allow myself to think too much, life must continue.
Today I miss my mom, I miss my Superman, I miss having someone, I miss too much I can’t put into words…

As always, thank you for reading!
❤ ❤

Back 2 School

Tomorrow is the big day… I have been lazy since May. Okay, my definition of lazy probably isn’t the same as yours. I go grocery shopping, pick up prescriptions and pet food, my house is clean, my family is fed… But what I mean is I haven’t really been doing anything overly productive. I haven’t read anything except maybe some dirty short stories (what i call my guilty pleasure, don’t tell no one, okay?), and I have binge watched some of the sappiest girlie shows I could find on Netflix and Hulu: Grey’s Anatomy, Gilmore Girls, and Glee, too many more to mention… I have been lazy lol. And I am not gonna lie there have been some parts that I have enjoyed. My step-son has been off during this summer too and we have hung out a lot and that has indeed been a pleasure, he is a good kid.

Laziness aside, I am really looking forward to going back to school. I am really both nervous and excited about going to a university, in reality I am the only person in my immediate family to go this far. It is scary and exciting all at the same time, man… there are so many people to prove that i can do this, number one is Me.

There is stuff to talk about too, I owe you an update again.

Superman is enjoying spending time with Lois, so for the time being I am one lonely as fuck Wonder Woman. It’s not as bad as it was in the past, she acknowledges me and reaches out when she needs me, she even reminds me that she still loves and needs me. That goes a long way with me, I least I know I am not forgotten. I am really not sure how it works, but with her I have all the patience in the world. I really don’t care what happens I have time to kill… I have realized that I really need to get a life, I am sure that I have said it too many times, but I have to get out of this shell, I have to find my people, my weirdos, my kinsmen… I need to meet live people this year, I need to make live friends. This is a goal.

I talked to dude when we got home from our vacation, I was honest with my feelings and my confusion, but maybe I wasn’t clear enough. Point blank telling him that I don’t want to be touched, that I don’t want to have sex he didn’t get it… I don’t know how long we will be able to live together. I have made a deal that we will make a final decision in February. Either I will move by myself or we will stay together and stay as a family. At this point the only reason to split up would be because one of us wants a relationship with someone else, I told him point blank I don’t even want to be in a relationship. Honestly if I could have it my way, I would find a live and in person best friend type that I could bestow “privileges” no labels… I thought about it for a long minute, but I really don’t believe I am A-Sexual. I miss sex, I miss kissing and making out, hand holding, I am really lonely for intimacy, I am really missing that connection with another woman. I don’t mean to sound crude, but damnit I really want to fuck a woman (again, sorry it’s just how I feel). I just don’t want to hurt anybody anymore. I don’t want to have obligations or rules or emotions, I just want to be.

I also spent some time with my sister, it wasn’t enough time don’t get me wrong, but it was better than nothing. I clued her in on how I have been feeling about her and she clued me in on some things that I had no idea. Basically, I was wrong about a lot of things. Also, I owe my niece a conversation. ‘s just say a lot of my problems with my family could have been avoided with communication…

There is  lot of new shit coming my way. I might not be able to update as often, but I am going to try to keep up with my writing as much as I can. If only in an attempt to keep my chaotic mind sane.

As Always ❤

I am Angry

I am not trusting my words too much. I am close to the edge and I am about to break or jump. I am a few steps below done, I am not sure what those steps are called, but let me know if anyone else has a clue.

I am not mad that our vacation plans changed. Other than my thoughts which were running through the halls of my brain with scissors and no direction other than madness the vacation was a success in a lot of ways. The only bad part was the last morning where it became so sickeningly obvious that I am officially done with all of this bullshit.

I begin each day with thoughts of the nights before, all of the unresolved bitterness that I try to fall asleep to every night. We don’t talk about anything super significant, it is all fluff. I honestly believe he doesn’t want me to actually say the words, lie in his mind he would rather stay ignorant and keep pretending that we are some happy couple. I am done.

I am so tired of feeling angry, I am so tired of the bull shit that comes outta his mouth. I can’t figure out how any of it is supposed to be funny, I know that I have a sense of humor, I know that I can have a dirty sense of humor, but the shit that comes outta his mouth all day long is just filthy. I sit here wondering if I am really as prudish as I have become and then the shit just replays through my head and I know that it is not all about me, he really is a fucking nasty ass dude. I am done.

He tries to justify being a dick to me by saying if I want him to be nice I have to fuck him. I could be wrong, but isn’t that a little ass backwards?? I mean, if I want a piece of ass I don’t act like a jerk, that shit has never gotten me anywhere with a female. The thing is I am not so pissed off at him as I am at myself, the fact that not only do I put up with it but I am still here putting up with it. I would rather stay away from my family and not make any friends than expose them to him, he embarrasses me constantly with the shit that comes outta his mouth. I am done.

I don’t know how to get the words outta my mouth, but it is a fight between my lips, teeth, and tongue to keep my mouth shut. I am tiptoeing around him trying to keep everything calm and inside I am holding onto a hurricane. I am so angry all the time, I fight invisible battles with my animals and inanimate objects such as my keys, sunglasses, phone chargers, etc. I am so fucking done.

I just don’t want to do this anymore. I have decided I really just dont even want love anymore. Fuck love. I am over it. I am done. I don’t want it, don’t need it. All I want to do is school and find a fucking job. I will make every attempt within my ability to meet people and make friends, but once I am outta here I am done with it. I don’t want it anymore. Maybe turning cold isn’t the answer, but I get this feeling that my problems aren’t just someone else’s. I can be honest and say I know I blame people for what others in my past did to me, I know this for a fact, and I am done. I want to stay alone until I break this cycle, I refuse to continue hurting people.

I am done. All these wasted emotions, I am through with it all. I just can’t anymore.

How Do I Feel?

**When I do not trust my words, Tech N9ne’s music is the “Go To”. This song seriously speaks to me.**
Wither LYRICS
Tech N9ne
Ft: Corey Taylor

[Intro: Tech N9ne]
I don’t care, they say my angel glow is subsiding
I’m sliding outside of these high beams and I won’t dare
Try to mend this tear, I love I’m fading
The good once there is just dying
So I’m withering away and I’ma trigger when I spray
And I’m attacking everybody till the feeling’s gone!

[Verse 1: Tech N9ne]
All my life I loved with people, so passive back then
I thought I’d be above this evil, my tolerance level
Then was up with doves and eagles
Currently I’ve hit ground zero under bugs and beetles
I’m tilted, inside my head’s a lettuce but wilted
Serotonin, dopamine, and norepinephrine I spilt it
Could it be how many times I’ve been ran over and jilted?
That makes me wanna totally detach from light and just kill shit

[Hook 1: Corey Taylor]
I’ll know when the pain is gone
It’s just a matter of time before my impulses win
And I can feel the wrong
Coming up through the cracks of my heart again
I’m holding on, I’m going
Straight into the mouths of makers
Everything that keeps me calm was taken
I’m letting go, I’m burning through, reserves are low
Just pushing on these old restraints
My time is up cause it’s too late

[Bridge: Tech N9ne](x2)
I’m about to blow up on anyone in my way
My anger’s set to show up, at any time today

[Verse 2: Tech N9ne]
I am lookin’ for some fire, yeah, putting on my gang attire
Drooling and blood I can taste, so get the fuck outta my face
I’m a killer with a quick switch, yeah, all I ever really wanted was bliss
Look at me wither to waste, so get the fuck outta my face
Find another one to get bent, yeah, and it ain’t no stoppin’ this
Lovin’ the thrill of the chase, so get the fuck outta my face
N9ne’s a nigga with the sick-ness, yeah, and it ain’t no blockin’ this
It doesn’t matter the race, just get the fuck out my face

Going, withering away
Going, withering away
Going, withering away
GONE

I gotta say, when my mother died, I really did inside
And that’s the other thing that did it
Turning my crazy on a hundred babies gonna plummet
Maybe I should be committed

[Hook 2: Corey Taylor]
What am I supposed to do?
Do I just keep faking? Fucking forsaking everything I am?
Another pissed mother fucker with a fist and a plan
Oh but you’re making me do this
I can scream while you stand there clueless
If you’re listening I’ve made up my mind
Take another step but I’m fed up this time!

[Tech N9ne]
Something please save me, I’m losing myself

[Verse 3: Tech N9ne]
I don’t think I wanna stop it, but the feeling inside is nauseous
I get really exhausted off it, gotta find a way to wash it lock it
Profit nada so I got to drop it, ain’t nobody in the cockpit
Toss this lostness, people from the office boxes
If you cross this boss live cautious
Don’t make me, don’t make me repeat myself
For your safety, because a pilly is beneath my belt
But I don’t wanna do anything bad to anybody
But I’ll never be perfect
So I’mma say to the people that got a little evil comin’ at you from me I think they deserve it

Going, withering away
Going, withering away
Going, withering away
GONE

Straight, literally snappin’ out
My lady backin’ out cause I’m becoming really mean and vicious
Watching me wither, how can I give her
Love when I been so tainted by these bitches

[Hook 3: Corey Taylor]
We are the arsenal
Chemically imbalanced, completely disposable
So butter my knuckles and taste it
Another sick delinquent is wasted
I don’t forgive, I don’t forget
I haven’t got time to regret
Everybody else in the world can hate me
Nobody but me can save me!

[Outro: Tech N9ne]
Shit, Yates, hates, this, place
If you’re close enough to me to hit the switch
You better never turn it on
I get the feelin’ I’m gonna be craving a
Killin I gotta be real and the evil’ll
Fill up and sucker the middle man ’till he be
GONE!

Lies

I hope that one day you will forgive me. I am not as strong as I thought, I am a big fat liar.
I have acknowledged that I need to distance myself, I need to focus on me. I have learned how to push you out of my mind before I go to sleep at night, I just can’t handle it.
I have stopped stalking you, I just can’t do it.
I wonder if this would feel different if I had our communication back, but I am not sure it would matter.
I hope you are happy in your love, I wish nothing butbthe best. Truth is my distance is more to not poison you with my jealousy, not to unintentionally poison your love. My magick is affected by my emotions. Happy or sad I work better with emotions. I love you too much to cause you any type of pain.
In fact, I hope you read this. I hope you can understand me as well as I can understand you. I hope you see why I have to do this. Most of all I hope you realize how much I care about you. My main hope is you know I will always be here for you, I will always care and above all, I will always love you. No matter what happens between us, this is a promise I will make and keep. I will always love you. If you need me, I am here.
As always… ❤