So, I picked this song in honor of these two ladies 35th birthday (I am a shitty fangirl, I had to steal this knowledge from someone else’s blog…). But for real, let’s talk about jealousy for a minute. Let’s be really honest with each other right now.
I don’t really give a shit how many times we say to our friends and family upon hearing about their success and or new loves: “I am so happy for you…blah, blah, blah”, why aren’t we honest with them? Why can’t we tell them sometimes we are so fuckin jealous we can’t see straight? Oh, that’s right… Jealousy is too often confused as a hateful or violent word, so we ignore it and shove it down, and heaven forbid we ever even allow ourselves to feel it and it gets bigger and blacker until we tend to blow up. I can’t speak for others, so I won’t even try, this is just about my feelings here.
I am so jealous I feel like maybe I should stop wearing black and start wearing green. My feelings are not where I don’t want someone else to be happy, it’s an envious feeling where I just want to be happy too, damnit! I see couples and friends and just people being free and smiling and all that shit and I can’t run away fast enough. Every time I try to reach out, the communication goes like fireworks and then for whatever reason it just fizzles and is gone. I am trying so hard to find this place where I can be happy for her happiness and man I just feel like I wanna yak. I really want to be happy and in love, I want everything that goes with it. Except I feel like a damn freezer, I am so fucking cold and shy and closed off, it’s no wonder no one wants to be around me! shit, I don’t want to be around me all that damn much…
I am just so fucking jealous. I can’t help it. I smile and act like I am happy for the masses, but inside I feel so alone and just so fucking lonely. I am so tired of being told she misses me, like fuck if you miss someone and you have the power to reach out, DO IT! Fuck, don’t leave people high and dry just because you are too busy being happy. I swear, if I am ever happy again I will make every effort to not forget those that call me friend. I know it is hard balancing everything that is important, but shit… I know that if she really wanted to reach out she would.
For the record, it’s not just her. I have all these happy lesbian couples on my a few of my social network sites and I just cringe every time they put up pictures… “Me and the Mrs…” I know, I am a total asshole. Seeing all these friends being happy and together just makes me feel so fucking sad for myself. I even feel jealous of my stepson. I really am growing to a point where I just secretly hate shiny happy people holding hands. I really hate seeing people in love under the age of like make 60-70. I feel miserable about admitting that, but it is the truth.
I need to learn to get the hell over all this. I really feel like I know in my heart that I will never be happy like this. no matter what I have to get over this. If I need to leave, then I need to do it, if I need to get my big ass back out of the closet, then damnit that is what I need to do. Whatever the fuck I need to do, now is the fucking time. I am not getting any younger and for some reason one of my biggest fears is that I am going to be come one of these 50 yr old women who can’t admit they are really gay until they fall in love with someone from the women’s soccer team or the PTA or whatever. And that thought just makes me even more miserable…
I honestly cannot remember the last time that I was really and truly happy. Not from something externally that was happening, but happy because I felt happy inside. All is right with my world and I am happy. I just can’t remember, and that really scares me. What if I can never be happy again?