my 9/11

My 9/11 will never be about New York. It was for many years after that tragic event, don’t get me wrong I still hold today in respect for those who lost their lives.

If my life took a left instead of a right, I would have a 3 yr old today. I don’t talk about it too much, honestly I very rarely allow myself to even think about it for too long. When the big wave of depression hits sometimes it is all I can think about. I could have a son that looked like his daddy or a daughter that looks like me. It really hurts to not have known that child, we don’t usually say “child”, I choose idea or dream. I always wanted to have babies, I thought what a blessing it would be to create life. But 2 women can’t really create a baby, so I really think I lost my fertility somewhere during my rainbow flag waving years. Most of the time I am really happy to be a part of dude’s kids, but damn man… how heavy that stone is on my depressed head. Like the ONE major “job” I have as a woman, I fail. We haven’t tried after the dream died, I just couldn’t and still can’t handle the thought of losing another one. I always said what is meant to be will happen, and in my twisted mind that means I shouldn’t procreate. Maybe the mix of me plus him isn’t such a great mix. Idk… it never happened before him or in the years since so I figure if that isn’t a bullhorn screaming: “DON’T DO IT!” I dont know what else is, but for whatever reason I’m gonna go ahead and listen. I can stick to my kitties…

But some days, like today… and the date I found out it wasn’t viable (on my bday no less), and the day I actually lost it (while at work). These are the days I miss the dream.
Of course, can’t really allow myself to think too much, life must continue.
Today I miss my mom, I miss my Superman, I miss having someone, I miss too much I can’t put into words…

As always, thank you for reading!
❤ ❤